I remember a time when you bought something and got a receipt for it. This doesn't seem to be the case anymore. Now, when you buy something, you are given a very thin scroll copy of the Declaration of Independence. The big receipts used to only come from trips to the grocery store, especially if you broke the cardinal rule of going shopping when you're hungry. Basically, the length of the receipt was proportional to the number of items purchased. After all, that would only be logical, right? Now, I don't know when this phenomenon began, but it's getting out of hand. Holy crap! I bought one item from Home Depot the other day. ONE ITEM. My John Holmesian receipt was 27" in length!!! What happened to the "Reduce, Reuse, Recycle" bandwagon that everyone was on? I made a trip to the grocery store, and bought a fair amount of stuff. That receipt was 32" in length. While I find that too long as well, what in the holy crap do I need 27" of receipt for on a single item purchase!? It wasn't even a large item!!! Sheesh...
Anyways... I started keeping track of things that passengers say when stepping off an aircraft after a flight. I kept track of both things I heard when commuting on mainline flights as well as those said to me or the crew I was flying with. While the results were quite varied, there were certainly a few common threads.
On the good side, statements like, "Thanks," "Thank you," "Nice flight," and "Good job," were the most common. Recently, I've noticed comments with the word "safe" in them, specifically on poor weather days. (I noticed these comments being much more common in the wake of the Colgan crash in Buffalo.) "Thanks for getting us here safely," and "Thanks for the safe flight," have been quite common. One guy even said, "Thanks for keeping us away from those thunderstorms!" Another fairly common weather related comment is some version of, "Holy crap it's hot here!" or "Holy crap it's cold here!"
Then, there were some more specific comments such as, "That was a smooth flight!" "Thanks, you cured my fear of flying!" "I love these planes!" "Is this plane nice to fly? It's nice to ride in!" "Nice landing!" "I've been on subway cars that had rougher landings!" Those always help to inflate the infamous pilot ego.
Of course, then there's not-so-fun things to hear. "I hate these damn little planes." "Can you guys get anywhere on time?" "I've been on 3 flights today and all of them have been hard landings. Is it the planes that land this way? What gives?" "Man, that was rough! You flew in the Navy, didn't you?"
While I'm sitting here in the terminal waiting for my commute flight to work, one lady approached a gate podium with her standby ticket. I wasn't paying much attention to the conversation between her and the gate agent at first. However, the things she said grabbed my ear. It became apparent as the gate agent was asking her some basic questions so that he could help her, that she had no clue. I mean, really. Not a clue in the world. He asked her, "What flight were you booked on, ma'am?" Her reply was "Oh, I don't know. Northwest is all I know." Wow. Turns out, she just bought a ticket and showed up first thing in the morning. Her flight wasn't for SEVERAL hours. But, she did not understand she had bought a seat on a specific flight. She wasn't even at the correct gate for her destination. I guess she just figured the ticket was good for today, and she could just up, and find "the" gate with Northwest on it. To me, this is shocking. However, it just goes to show that every single day, there are people on airline flights that don't fly very often at all, if ever before. I think it's important for us of all to keep this in mind. We do this day in and day out. So, it's very easy to forget how confused, unfamiliar and lost some of our customers feel.
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
National Flight Attendant Day
We have "days" for just about everything anymore. There is National Talk Like a Pirate Day, Belly Laugh Day, Boss' Day, Stepfamily Day, just to name a few. Its my belief that we need a National Flight Attendant Day. Seriously.
I shall be the first to admit, I couldn't do their job. Now, in fairness, that's not completely true. Technically, I could do it. I'd just last less than a week. Please don't take this as I am "above" such a job in any way, shape or form. Simply put, I am not cut out for it. I would end up beating the living shit out one or several passengers within just a few days of starting that job. Maybe less.
To illustrate my point, let us take a few moments to cover some examples of what flight attendants have to put up with. I'm just talking regionals here, either. I see lots of this crap on mainline flights, as well. After that, perhaps we should have a moment of silence if only to take a few deep breaths and calm down so that we don't hurt anyone.
Lets start with the simple fact that most passengers are complete and total slobs when they are aboard an aircraft. I'm certain that these people keep nice houses, dress well, and care about their appearance. They might even be great with their kids and be very well respected in the workplace. However, when people board an aircraft, all of this is checked at the gate. Perhaps it's a passengers version of "revenge" against a company that cares little about them, treats them like sheep, and puts them in a position of being in very little control, even though they are the paying customer. Maybe these people somehow feel vindicated by leaving junk all over the place, food on the floor, gum on the seats, tobacco spit cups (yes, you read that correctly) in seat back pockets, etc, etc. The sad truth is, the people that are responsible for how passengers are handled in this business is much beyond the flight crew themselves. Trust me, the flight crew are often treated just as bad. Any kind of "revenge" simply is more crap that the crew has to deal with. Trashing an aircraft only serves to crap on those who are already crapped on by the company management that puts in place the policies which have you so upset.
I recall two passengers, husband and wife, where the husband paid at the gate to upgrade the both of them to first class. While in first class, it was obvious the wife had not flown first class and she was giddy as well as arrogant. Not a good combo. She even took the time to point at the flight attendant and loudly proclaim, "This is great! I'm in first class! And, 'she' has to get me anything I want!"
I also don't think I could perform the completely pointless "Safety Demonstration" over and over and over without going over the edge completely. I mean really. I know the passengers think it's stupid. I know, its Federal Law. That's why it has to be done. No one in their right mind would actually WANT to stand up there and spew out all this scripted babble and show people how to use an oxygen mask and seatbelt. All the while knowing full well no one on board gives a flying crap.
Now, imagine a passenger who has been a pain in the ass the entire flight. Being highly resistant to simple rules such as not being on your damn phone, putting on your seat belt, raising your seat back, and putting away your tray table. I don't find these difficult to comply with. They actually require very little effort. I've done them several times myself! However, the idea of "being told what to do and when to do it" was just a little too much to handle for this gentleman. I'm also guessing he didn't like being told what to do by a female, if you catch my drift. His reply to her, when he finally complied with the instructions was "In my country, you'd be a slave!" In the amount of time it took you to read that, I'd have snapped his damn neck.
Then, consider a female seated in first class, sitting next to her husband. In preparation for landing, she required more than a few "reminders" that it was time to turn off her laptop, or that she needed to have her seat belt on, or that her tray table needed to be stowed for landing. The entire time, she wouldn't even make eye contact with the flight attendant. When the flight attendant tried to repeatedly address her directly, her husband leans forward and says, "Oh, she doesn't talk to the help." I'd have replied, "Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't see your damn crown!!!" Then I'd have bitch-slapped her all the way to the aft lav and back, followed by breaking every damn bone in her douchebag husband's body. Are you THAT full of yourself???? Seriously??? Holy hell... I've met people that have bought several of THEIR VERY OWN JETS who aren't as arrogant as your pansy ass.
Then, you have the occasional freakoid. And, I don't use that term lightly. Just visualize this woman seated in an emergency row. As many of you know, the sunshade must remain open in the exit row for take off and landing. Yes, this is federal law. Simply put, if there is a reason to evacuate the aircraft on the ground, it's important to be able to see if there is a side of the aircraft that is unsafe to exit. (i.e. a fire) This particular woman was highly upset about having the sun shine on her while we were taxiing. The flight attendant even went to the trouble of explaining things, and politely telling her it only needed to be open for take off and landing. When that didn't work, another passenger offered to switch seats with her. Most people would think, "problem solved!" However, this passenger remained firm. She was not going to give up her seat that "she paid for." She did comply with having the window shade open, however, she was quite vocal about her displeasure with it. Then, just before take off, she slammed the shade shut. The flight attendant reminded her once again, to which she only yelled "You could say Please, fucker!" Yes, that was her reply. And, yes, I'd have beat her in the face with a bottle opener the entire flight. Somehow, I don't think any of the other passengers would have minded too much, either.
Then, we have the classic horrendously stupid passenger. The person who brings a bag on board which is OBVIOUSLY not going to fit in any overhead compartment in the world. They hold up the boarding line for endless minutes while they struggle to lift said bag, and try to wedge it in from every angle. They continue to decline having the bag gate checked, usually yelling at the flight attendant, "It fit on the last flight I was on!" When they finally do get the bag in the compartment, it looks like a queen size mattress shoved into a phone booth. There just isn't any way within the laws of physics, atomic theory, and special or general relativity, that the door will actually be able to close. This doesn't stop our fearless passenger from trying! WHAM!! WHAM!!! They try and try and try. WHAM!!! WHAM!!! We can already see the outcome as the flight attendants repeatedly attempt to offer to gate check the bag, doing their finest job of maintaining composure and professionalism. WHAM!!! WHAM!!!! then.... CRAAAACK!!! The hinge on the door finally breaks. Thank you Mr. Assbag. You have just delayed the flight at least 30 mins while the Captain writes up the issue in the logbook, calls the company, then maintenance gets out to the aircraft, tapes the bin closed, makes the correct log book entries, defers the bin, and operations re-releases the aircraft and your damn bag gets gate checked anyways. You and your retarded stubborn ass has just inconvenienced everyone else on the aircraft. I'd have anus-checked his bag for him. Without lube, even.
Perhaps the very worst part about these occurrences is that the minute a flight attendant is to say what we all want to say, "Man, you're retarded!" that flight attendant's boss would fire them INSTANTLY. After anus-checking his back for him, I'd have grabbed him by the nuts, and dragged him down the aisle to the front of the aircraft, thrown him out the door, and then stated, in a highly professional and dignified manner, "Sir, you are FAR TOO STUPID TO BE OUT IN PUBLIC, let alone on an airplane! Good day!"
One last scenario. There are rules that govern the emergency exit. To occupy it, you must be willing and able to open the door, follow directions from the flight crew and assist with an evacuation should it be necessary. There are some other fine points, but you get the idea. On this particular flight, a gentleman in a neck brace decided he wanted more leg room than he had, so once the aircraft boarding door was closed, he moved to an open exit row seat. Now, someone in a neck brace doesn't meet the regs for the exit row. Just like a 5 year old child wouldn't. The flight attendant informed the man of the issue and informed him he would need to return to his seat. Needless to say, this guy felt like being an ass, so he refused to move and made a big deal of it. The flight attendants don't have any discretion in this matter. The law is the law. The flight deck was notified of the situation as well as the passengers refusal to comply with the regulations. The company was called and a flight manager was summoned to the scene. Yes, the flight was delayed. The door was reopened and the manager confronted the passenger. In the end, the passenger moved back to his original seat and the flight got on it's way. Having seen the flight attendant's manual with my own eyes, it specifically states the correct course of action in such a situation. She acted by the book to a T. However, having followed up with this flight attendant, the official result in the days following was that the flight attendant did not avoid the situation in the first place and hence, it was deemed her fault by her incompetent and worthless manager. The incident is noted in her file as a strike against her.
So, lets all join hands and have a quick moment of appreciation for the fantastic job done by so many of our flight attendants across the industry. Yes, they are paid crap (even less than me) and they have to deal with people like this, and they have to do it with a smile on their face. Personally, I don't know how they do it. I will just stick to just flying the plane. I consider myself a nice and patient person. However, I can't hold a candle to a flight attendant.
I have no power whatsoever, but if I did, I'd proclaim today National Flight Attendant Day! Flight attendants, my dorky hat is off to you!!!
I shall be the first to admit, I couldn't do their job. Now, in fairness, that's not completely true. Technically, I could do it. I'd just last less than a week. Please don't take this as I am "above" such a job in any way, shape or form. Simply put, I am not cut out for it. I would end up beating the living shit out one or several passengers within just a few days of starting that job. Maybe less.
To illustrate my point, let us take a few moments to cover some examples of what flight attendants have to put up with. I'm just talking regionals here, either. I see lots of this crap on mainline flights, as well. After that, perhaps we should have a moment of silence if only to take a few deep breaths and calm down so that we don't hurt anyone.
Lets start with the simple fact that most passengers are complete and total slobs when they are aboard an aircraft. I'm certain that these people keep nice houses, dress well, and care about their appearance. They might even be great with their kids and be very well respected in the workplace. However, when people board an aircraft, all of this is checked at the gate. Perhaps it's a passengers version of "revenge" against a company that cares little about them, treats them like sheep, and puts them in a position of being in very little control, even though they are the paying customer. Maybe these people somehow feel vindicated by leaving junk all over the place, food on the floor, gum on the seats, tobacco spit cups (yes, you read that correctly) in seat back pockets, etc, etc. The sad truth is, the people that are responsible for how passengers are handled in this business is much beyond the flight crew themselves. Trust me, the flight crew are often treated just as bad. Any kind of "revenge" simply is more crap that the crew has to deal with. Trashing an aircraft only serves to crap on those who are already crapped on by the company management that puts in place the policies which have you so upset.
I recall two passengers, husband and wife, where the husband paid at the gate to upgrade the both of them to first class. While in first class, it was obvious the wife had not flown first class and she was giddy as well as arrogant. Not a good combo. She even took the time to point at the flight attendant and loudly proclaim, "This is great! I'm in first class! And, 'she' has to get me anything I want!"
I also don't think I could perform the completely pointless "Safety Demonstration" over and over and over without going over the edge completely. I mean really. I know the passengers think it's stupid. I know, its Federal Law. That's why it has to be done. No one in their right mind would actually WANT to stand up there and spew out all this scripted babble and show people how to use an oxygen mask and seatbelt. All the while knowing full well no one on board gives a flying crap.
Now, imagine a passenger who has been a pain in the ass the entire flight. Being highly resistant to simple rules such as not being on your damn phone, putting on your seat belt, raising your seat back, and putting away your tray table. I don't find these difficult to comply with. They actually require very little effort. I've done them several times myself! However, the idea of "being told what to do and when to do it" was just a little too much to handle for this gentleman. I'm also guessing he didn't like being told what to do by a female, if you catch my drift. His reply to her, when he finally complied with the instructions was "In my country, you'd be a slave!" In the amount of time it took you to read that, I'd have snapped his damn neck.
Then, consider a female seated in first class, sitting next to her husband. In preparation for landing, she required more than a few "reminders" that it was time to turn off her laptop, or that she needed to have her seat belt on, or that her tray table needed to be stowed for landing. The entire time, she wouldn't even make eye contact with the flight attendant. When the flight attendant tried to repeatedly address her directly, her husband leans forward and says, "Oh, she doesn't talk to the help." I'd have replied, "Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't see your damn crown!!!" Then I'd have bitch-slapped her all the way to the aft lav and back, followed by breaking every damn bone in her douchebag husband's body. Are you THAT full of yourself???? Seriously??? Holy hell... I've met people that have bought several of THEIR VERY OWN JETS who aren't as arrogant as your pansy ass.
Then, you have the occasional freakoid. And, I don't use that term lightly. Just visualize this woman seated in an emergency row. As many of you know, the sunshade must remain open in the exit row for take off and landing. Yes, this is federal law. Simply put, if there is a reason to evacuate the aircraft on the ground, it's important to be able to see if there is a side of the aircraft that is unsafe to exit. (i.e. a fire) This particular woman was highly upset about having the sun shine on her while we were taxiing. The flight attendant even went to the trouble of explaining things, and politely telling her it only needed to be open for take off and landing. When that didn't work, another passenger offered to switch seats with her. Most people would think, "problem solved!" However, this passenger remained firm. She was not going to give up her seat that "she paid for." She did comply with having the window shade open, however, she was quite vocal about her displeasure with it. Then, just before take off, she slammed the shade shut. The flight attendant reminded her once again, to which she only yelled "You could say Please, fucker!" Yes, that was her reply. And, yes, I'd have beat her in the face with a bottle opener the entire flight. Somehow, I don't think any of the other passengers would have minded too much, either.
Then, we have the classic horrendously stupid passenger. The person who brings a bag on board which is OBVIOUSLY not going to fit in any overhead compartment in the world. They hold up the boarding line for endless minutes while they struggle to lift said bag, and try to wedge it in from every angle. They continue to decline having the bag gate checked, usually yelling at the flight attendant, "It fit on the last flight I was on!" When they finally do get the bag in the compartment, it looks like a queen size mattress shoved into a phone booth. There just isn't any way within the laws of physics, atomic theory, and special or general relativity, that the door will actually be able to close. This doesn't stop our fearless passenger from trying! WHAM!! WHAM!!! They try and try and try. WHAM!!! WHAM!!! We can already see the outcome as the flight attendants repeatedly attempt to offer to gate check the bag, doing their finest job of maintaining composure and professionalism. WHAM!!! WHAM!!!! then.... CRAAAACK!!! The hinge on the door finally breaks. Thank you Mr. Assbag. You have just delayed the flight at least 30 mins while the Captain writes up the issue in the logbook, calls the company, then maintenance gets out to the aircraft, tapes the bin closed, makes the correct log book entries, defers the bin, and operations re-releases the aircraft and your damn bag gets gate checked anyways. You and your retarded stubborn ass has just inconvenienced everyone else on the aircraft. I'd have anus-checked his bag for him. Without lube, even.
Perhaps the very worst part about these occurrences is that the minute a flight attendant is to say what we all want to say, "Man, you're retarded!" that flight attendant's boss would fire them INSTANTLY. After anus-checking his back for him, I'd have grabbed him by the nuts, and dragged him down the aisle to the front of the aircraft, thrown him out the door, and then stated, in a highly professional and dignified manner, "Sir, you are FAR TOO STUPID TO BE OUT IN PUBLIC, let alone on an airplane! Good day!"
One last scenario. There are rules that govern the emergency exit. To occupy it, you must be willing and able to open the door, follow directions from the flight crew and assist with an evacuation should it be necessary. There are some other fine points, but you get the idea. On this particular flight, a gentleman in a neck brace decided he wanted more leg room than he had, so once the aircraft boarding door was closed, he moved to an open exit row seat. Now, someone in a neck brace doesn't meet the regs for the exit row. Just like a 5 year old child wouldn't. The flight attendant informed the man of the issue and informed him he would need to return to his seat. Needless to say, this guy felt like being an ass, so he refused to move and made a big deal of it. The flight attendants don't have any discretion in this matter. The law is the law. The flight deck was notified of the situation as well as the passengers refusal to comply with the regulations. The company was called and a flight manager was summoned to the scene. Yes, the flight was delayed. The door was reopened and the manager confronted the passenger. In the end, the passenger moved back to his original seat and the flight got on it's way. Having seen the flight attendant's manual with my own eyes, it specifically states the correct course of action in such a situation. She acted by the book to a T. However, having followed up with this flight attendant, the official result in the days following was that the flight attendant did not avoid the situation in the first place and hence, it was deemed her fault by her incompetent and worthless manager. The incident is noted in her file as a strike against her.
So, lets all join hands and have a quick moment of appreciation for the fantastic job done by so many of our flight attendants across the industry. Yes, they are paid crap (even less than me) and they have to deal with people like this, and they have to do it with a smile on their face. Personally, I don't know how they do it. I will just stick to just flying the plane. I consider myself a nice and patient person. However, I can't hold a candle to a flight attendant.
I have no power whatsoever, but if I did, I'd proclaim today National Flight Attendant Day! Flight attendants, my dorky hat is off to you!!!
Monday, September 28, 2009
Douchebags
You know the type. Their gross ignorance is matched only by the size of their pie holes. We've all seen them. We've all heard them. Airports seem to attract them in mass. They are, "The Douchebags."
The first one I found this morning was just sitting by the gate waiting to board my commute flight along with many others. An older gentleman, likely around 50 years of age. He was asleep in a chair when I arrived near the gate. About 10 minutes prior to boarding, he woke up and began clipping his fingernails. Yes, right there at the gate. Little nail clippings just flying and landing on the carpet in front of everyone else. I'd LOVE to come to your house, sir, and start clipping my nails in your living room. You, sir, are a douchebag.
When I got seated on the aircraft, I had the pleasure of sitting in front of another fine specimen. Yes, I'm talking about you in 41F. Most people understand that delays are a part of airline travel. Remember that old adage? "If you've got time to spare, go by air!" Not much has changed really. Delays happen. Some are big, some are small. But, they happen, and for a multitude of reasons. I don't believe this is "news" to anyone with a brain these days.
While sitting at the gate getting ready to depart, there was an issue with the aircraft. The Captain informed everyone that there was an issue with getting the weight and balance information electronically, so it was being done manually via the radio and it would be a few minutes, thanks for your patience, etc. Of course, maintenance personnel had to come on board as well to make a logbook entry and "defer" the offending system. That's just part of life as a Part 121 air carrier. Everything must have traceability.
Well, upon receipt of this news, our pal in 41F begins to spout off. "Boy, this makes me never want to fly on this airline again!" Then he turns to the lady seated next to him and says, "Every time I fly ***, every time, there are delays for maintenance." He then follows up with, "I take this flight about 4 to 6 times a year..." Wow... 4 to 6 times in a year??? Holy balls! Those are top level expert qualifications there! After all, I only take this flight about 3 times every month!!! The fact that I haven't seen a single delay of any kind on this flight in at least 4 months must just be my own obscure perception. You sir, are highly qualified and experienced to be saying that this flight, which operates every single day of the week, every week, must be operated by the worst carrier in the world. After all, you take this flight up to a 1/2 dozen times in a year! We should all stand back in awe.
To this, the female sitting to his left replies with complaints about her itinerary. "I booked my reservations through Expedia.com and getting to Omaha is fine, but to get home, I have to go to Chicago, then somewhere else, then finally home! Why do they do that?" It almost seems she has a point here, however, when she states that her total cost was "$140 roundtrip," all possible reason she had to complain simply vaporizes. $140 roundtrip.... Of course, we can always start with "And people wonder why airlines can't make any damn money!" However, this lady has done the unthinkable. The unfathomable. This is the equivalent of someone handing you a free beer and you complaining about it. You go through a budget booking service, pay less than it would cost you to drive the distance and then complain about how they route you around. Number 1, they don't care. Number 2, you are a spoiled little pain in the ass for complaining one single iota about a round trip airfare, halfway across the country and back for $140. I hope you choke on a damn peanut. You Ma'am, are a douchebag.
Somehow, I managed to calm down and get some rest during the flight. After we landed, we taxied up near the gate, stopped and waited. This is something I deal with day in and day out. Whether it's the ground crew not ready to park us, equipment and vehicles in the way, or whatever, we wait to get parked on a VERY regular basis. This is when Mr. 41F decided to provide commentary once again. "Parking isn't that hard... what the hell are we waiting for???" My blood pressure began to rise... The Capt then came on the PA and stated that there were clearance issues for the aircraft we were in and the aircraft parked at the adjacent gate. We were going to be going to the other side of the airport to another gate. I figured I was going to have to listen to Mr. 41F and have my blood boiling by the time we deplaned.
However, I will say, Mr. 41F then said some things that were actually right on the button. "I can't believe the people that manage these gates can't have things like that figured out!" "This has to be a management/leadership issue!" And, "I bet the pilot and copilot are saying 'why can't they figure things like this out before we get to the gate!'"
So, Mr. 41F, I was going to award you with the Blue Ribbon Douchebag Seal of Approval, however, it looks like I'll have to hold off on that since you actually had enough of a clue to understand that the crew is not always to blame for everything as many other people seem to think these days. Good save.
The first one I found this morning was just sitting by the gate waiting to board my commute flight along with many others. An older gentleman, likely around 50 years of age. He was asleep in a chair when I arrived near the gate. About 10 minutes prior to boarding, he woke up and began clipping his fingernails. Yes, right there at the gate. Little nail clippings just flying and landing on the carpet in front of everyone else. I'd LOVE to come to your house, sir, and start clipping my nails in your living room. You, sir, are a douchebag.
When I got seated on the aircraft, I had the pleasure of sitting in front of another fine specimen. Yes, I'm talking about you in 41F. Most people understand that delays are a part of airline travel. Remember that old adage? "If you've got time to spare, go by air!" Not much has changed really. Delays happen. Some are big, some are small. But, they happen, and for a multitude of reasons. I don't believe this is "news" to anyone with a brain these days.
While sitting at the gate getting ready to depart, there was an issue with the aircraft. The Captain informed everyone that there was an issue with getting the weight and balance information electronically, so it was being done manually via the radio and it would be a few minutes, thanks for your patience, etc. Of course, maintenance personnel had to come on board as well to make a logbook entry and "defer" the offending system. That's just part of life as a Part 121 air carrier. Everything must have traceability.
Well, upon receipt of this news, our pal in 41F begins to spout off. "Boy, this makes me never want to fly on this airline again!" Then he turns to the lady seated next to him and says, "Every time I fly ***, every time, there are delays for maintenance." He then follows up with, "I take this flight about 4 to 6 times a year..." Wow... 4 to 6 times in a year??? Holy balls! Those are top level expert qualifications there! After all, I only take this flight about 3 times every month!!! The fact that I haven't seen a single delay of any kind on this flight in at least 4 months must just be my own obscure perception. You sir, are highly qualified and experienced to be saying that this flight, which operates every single day of the week, every week, must be operated by the worst carrier in the world. After all, you take this flight up to a 1/2 dozen times in a year! We should all stand back in awe.
To this, the female sitting to his left replies with complaints about her itinerary. "I booked my reservations through Expedia.com and getting to Omaha is fine, but to get home, I have to go to Chicago, then somewhere else, then finally home! Why do they do that?" It almost seems she has a point here, however, when she states that her total cost was "$140 roundtrip," all possible reason she had to complain simply vaporizes. $140 roundtrip.... Of course, we can always start with "And people wonder why airlines can't make any damn money!" However, this lady has done the unthinkable. The unfathomable. This is the equivalent of someone handing you a free beer and you complaining about it. You go through a budget booking service, pay less than it would cost you to drive the distance and then complain about how they route you around. Number 1, they don't care. Number 2, you are a spoiled little pain in the ass for complaining one single iota about a round trip airfare, halfway across the country and back for $140. I hope you choke on a damn peanut. You Ma'am, are a douchebag.
Somehow, I managed to calm down and get some rest during the flight. After we landed, we taxied up near the gate, stopped and waited. This is something I deal with day in and day out. Whether it's the ground crew not ready to park us, equipment and vehicles in the way, or whatever, we wait to get parked on a VERY regular basis. This is when Mr. 41F decided to provide commentary once again. "Parking isn't that hard... what the hell are we waiting for???" My blood pressure began to rise... The Capt then came on the PA and stated that there were clearance issues for the aircraft we were in and the aircraft parked at the adjacent gate. We were going to be going to the other side of the airport to another gate. I figured I was going to have to listen to Mr. 41F and have my blood boiling by the time we deplaned.
However, I will say, Mr. 41F then said some things that were actually right on the button. "I can't believe the people that manage these gates can't have things like that figured out!" "This has to be a management/leadership issue!" And, "I bet the pilot and copilot are saying 'why can't they figure things like this out before we get to the gate!'"
So, Mr. 41F, I was going to award you with the Blue Ribbon Douchebag Seal of Approval, however, it looks like I'll have to hold off on that since you actually had enough of a clue to understand that the crew is not always to blame for everything as many other people seem to think these days. Good save.
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Kick in the balls
Just finished a 4 day trip. It was the one trip I was dreading on my schedule for this month. This isn't because I don't like 4 day trips, however, this one started early on the first day. So, I had to commute out the night before. It also ended too late for me to get home the last day. I knew that was the case, so I just tried to plow forward and not think too much about it.
I knew that my last leg on the last day was due to arrive 10 minutes after the last flight home was scheduled to leave. Even if we were a bit early, I'd still not be able to make it. And, to start things off, we were late getting out of the gate to get started on that last turn. However, we were able to make up some time and weren't too late getting into our destination. We pulled off a pretty quick turn there and headed back.
I have to be honest. I was working the numbers in my head. Once we leveled off at our cruise altitude, the computer showed us getting right about on time. I'm not usually one to back down from a challenge or opportunity, so I reached over and eased up the throttles a bit. A couple minutes ticked off our ETA. Looking at our flight plan, I saw a sizable dog leg. We asked for and were granted a short cut from ATC. Another 3 minutes gained.
We got a straight in approach and I even hit the brakes a little harder than normal to exit the runway faster and shorten the taxi to the gate. The taxi was good and efficient and the ground crew parked us with just a few minutes wait.
I bolted from the aircraft as soon as I could. Ran up the jetway to find out what gate my flight home was going out of. I had 10 minutes to get there. It was still a long shot, but I had to try. Sure enough, they couldn't have chosen a gate further away from where we parked. I had to get all the way the hell across this big ass airport in less than 10 minutes.
I ran out to where the electric cart drivers always congregate to chat between themselves while passengers all over the airport sit and wait for electric carts for who knows how long. I knew if I could get one, while it would look a bit silly, that might get me to the gate just in time. Again, forces were conspiring against me. Not a damn electric cart in sight!!!!! Not one!!!! After all the times those bastards just about run me over as I walk through the terminal, now they aren't even anywhere around when I really needed one.
I hopped on a tram, and that took me about 1/2 the way. Then, I hauled on foot the rest of the way. I ran up to the gate, just in time to see the aircraft pushing back off the gate..... what a kick in the balls.
All I needed was either a closer gate, a damn electric cart, or some minor delay of just a few minutes for that flight and I'd have been home right now. Alas, that's just not how this job works sometimes. I tried everything I could to make it work, only to just barely be too late. Suck.
So, if you happen to be in Detroit tonight and you pass by gate A43, you'll likely see some guy trying to catch some rest over in the corner. If you happen to see him still there at 6am, please go tap him on the shoulder and wake him up so he can catch the morning flight home. Thanks, and G'night.
I knew that my last leg on the last day was due to arrive 10 minutes after the last flight home was scheduled to leave. Even if we were a bit early, I'd still not be able to make it. And, to start things off, we were late getting out of the gate to get started on that last turn. However, we were able to make up some time and weren't too late getting into our destination. We pulled off a pretty quick turn there and headed back.
I have to be honest. I was working the numbers in my head. Once we leveled off at our cruise altitude, the computer showed us getting right about on time. I'm not usually one to back down from a challenge or opportunity, so I reached over and eased up the throttles a bit. A couple minutes ticked off our ETA. Looking at our flight plan, I saw a sizable dog leg. We asked for and were granted a short cut from ATC. Another 3 minutes gained.
We got a straight in approach and I even hit the brakes a little harder than normal to exit the runway faster and shorten the taxi to the gate. The taxi was good and efficient and the ground crew parked us with just a few minutes wait.
I bolted from the aircraft as soon as I could. Ran up the jetway to find out what gate my flight home was going out of. I had 10 minutes to get there. It was still a long shot, but I had to try. Sure enough, they couldn't have chosen a gate further away from where we parked. I had to get all the way the hell across this big ass airport in less than 10 minutes.
I ran out to where the electric cart drivers always congregate to chat between themselves while passengers all over the airport sit and wait for electric carts for who knows how long. I knew if I could get one, while it would look a bit silly, that might get me to the gate just in time. Again, forces were conspiring against me. Not a damn electric cart in sight!!!!! Not one!!!! After all the times those bastards just about run me over as I walk through the terminal, now they aren't even anywhere around when I really needed one.
I hopped on a tram, and that took me about 1/2 the way. Then, I hauled on foot the rest of the way. I ran up to the gate, just in time to see the aircraft pushing back off the gate..... what a kick in the balls.
All I needed was either a closer gate, a damn electric cart, or some minor delay of just a few minutes for that flight and I'd have been home right now. Alas, that's just not how this job works sometimes. I tried everything I could to make it work, only to just barely be too late. Suck.
So, if you happen to be in Detroit tonight and you pass by gate A43, you'll likely see some guy trying to catch some rest over in the corner. If you happen to see him still there at 6am, please go tap him on the shoulder and wake him up so he can catch the morning flight home. Thanks, and G'night.
Monday, September 14, 2009
The Autonomobile
The Top Gear blokes discuss the brilliant "Autonomobile" and why it's rubbish. Yes, it does have to do with planes...
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Trip Recap
Being that this is my blog and all, I've decided that perhaps a somewhat interesting thing to do is give an occasional recap of a recent trip. I don't want it to be more of the same ranting about long days, early show times and little sleep. I want it to be more of a little glimpse into some things people don't usually see and likely don't think about. Mostly, it will just be a collection of bits without much rhyme or reason.
My last trip was one that allowed me to commute to my base the morning of the first day and back home on the last day. It's a HUGE difference in terms of "quality of life." I like those trips just as any commuter. I was put in first class on my commute flight in. That was a very nice start to things. Sure, it's nice to get some breakfast, but this time I had already eaten a good breakfast. I just enjoyed having the extra space. It makes for decent napping or even just more space to be on the laptop.
It's not really wintertime right now, however, one one leg of the trip I did see an OAT (outside air temperature) of -60 deg C. That's -76 deg F. All I could think was... "Daaaaaamn..."
I don't think was a single smooth altitude to be found over the last few days. At all. We tried, we really did. Others did as well. Center frequencies were all a-buzz with people complaining about poor rides. *shrug*
We had a deadhead leg on another regional carrier during one portion of the trip. This carrier is one which I've had a few non-stellar experiences with. Mostly just poor treatment because of the company I am with. However, this crew was quite nice and they took great care of us. They even chatted with us, saved us some overhead space (since we're suppose to get on board last). It was a very pleasant surprise.
One thing is for sure: It's summertime and that means it's construction season. Holy crap. I think every damn airport has at least one runway closed along with a crap load of taxiways. Just more things to keep in mind and more things to cause delays.
On the last leg of the trip, I heard another pilot call the center controller and ask "Are you hearing the mayday call on guard?" ("Guard" is 121.5, and is another name for the emergency communication frequency. Most airline pilots will monitor this frequency in the background all the time.) Needless to say, that kind of statement on center frequency will get the attention of everyone listening. Center said that he wasn't hearing anything on guard. The pilot then stated the distress aircraft's tail number, and that the pilot of that aircraft had declared an engine failure and was going to try and make it back to the field he had taken off from. I was monitoring 121.5, like normal, but I also wasn't receiving anything. (Probably not close enough to pick up his transmission.) A couple of other carriers chimed in on freq with additional tidbits they had heard. After a couple of minutes, I heard an American Airlines flight trying to call the distress aircraft on 121.5 Then another called to American asking if he had hearing anything from the emergency aircraft. He said he had not, but was trying to see if he could get any kind of news or be of any assistance. From the sound of it this was a single engine piston aircraft with just the pilot aboard. Even so, some career pilots, flying the big iron, (the kind that usually make fun of the "Weekend warriors") were doing everything they could, collectively, to try and provide any help they could to the situation. Another nice feeling. You know, it didn't cost that crew anything to be nice to us on our deadhead and it didn't cost anything for those airliners to try and help this guy who lost his engine, but they were indeed trying. Passing along info to center, N number, situation, location, and trying to follow up with him as well. Sure, there are really cool things like fancy houses and sweet cars, but some of the most awesome things, are indeed only afforded at the small price of someone acting selflessly.
I managed to continue the streak of smooth touchdowns on the last leg and then walked quickly right from my aircraft onto my commuter flight. I was one of the last to get on board, and while I didn't get into first, I still got on. Aisle seat too! Whew! Homeward bound! Then, right as we were taxiing out, I looked up into first class just in time to see Mr. Fancy Business Man in 4C dig RIGHT into his left nostril. *sigh* Thanks for that. I'll pass on the peanuts this flight... Once at cruise altitude I headed to the back of the bus to take a leak. I walked into the lav, and BOY! I must have just followed someone that had a mega log. WOW. I'm actually hoping for an emergency depressurization right now to get this smell out.
On a flight attendant note, I paid special attention to the man sitting next to me on my commute flight home. It was nice to have the middle seat open between us, so we were not directly next to one another, but I still took note of him. Why? Well, it wasn't just that he looked like he was about 40, clean, sharp looking man, with a striped button down shirt with the white color, like that guy from Office Space. He was wearing very nice slacks and stylish shoes. His mostly grey hair looked very dashing and the sound of his South African accent added more to his dashingness. However, he was a damn slob! He left his snack wrappers on the floor and seat next to him, along with his napkins and cup on the floor. WTF dude? Something tells me your wife would whoop your ass if you tried to pull that at home! Why do you feel you need to act like a 3 year old when you're on an airplane??? I know the airlines don't give a crap about you and you're upset about how you feel the tickets are too expensive, not to mention bag check fees. However, being a dick and leaving such a mess does NOTHING except give the flight attendants more work to do to make the plane look decent for the next customer. I'd like to take this time now to openly admit that I would have the shortest flight attendant career in history. And, it would result from beating the crap out of at least one passenger on my very first flight.
As an aside, I had written down the tail number of the "distress aircraft" I talked about above. I just looked into it a bit and it turns out the pilot who made the mayday call I heard about was indeed able to land and not be hurt. THAT is what I call good news. http://www.woi-tv.com/Global/story.asp?S=11103708
My last trip was one that allowed me to commute to my base the morning of the first day and back home on the last day. It's a HUGE difference in terms of "quality of life." I like those trips just as any commuter. I was put in first class on my commute flight in. That was a very nice start to things. Sure, it's nice to get some breakfast, but this time I had already eaten a good breakfast. I just enjoyed having the extra space. It makes for decent napping or even just more space to be on the laptop.
It's not really wintertime right now, however, one one leg of the trip I did see an OAT (outside air temperature) of -60 deg C. That's -76 deg F. All I could think was... "Daaaaaamn..."
I don't think was a single smooth altitude to be found over the last few days. At all. We tried, we really did. Others did as well. Center frequencies were all a-buzz with people complaining about poor rides. *shrug*
We had a deadhead leg on another regional carrier during one portion of the trip. This carrier is one which I've had a few non-stellar experiences with. Mostly just poor treatment because of the company I am with. However, this crew was quite nice and they took great care of us. They even chatted with us, saved us some overhead space (since we're suppose to get on board last). It was a very pleasant surprise.
One thing is for sure: It's summertime and that means it's construction season. Holy crap. I think every damn airport has at least one runway closed along with a crap load of taxiways. Just more things to keep in mind and more things to cause delays.
On the last leg of the trip, I heard another pilot call the center controller and ask "Are you hearing the mayday call on guard?" ("Guard" is 121.5, and is another name for the emergency communication frequency. Most airline pilots will monitor this frequency in the background all the time.) Needless to say, that kind of statement on center frequency will get the attention of everyone listening. Center said that he wasn't hearing anything on guard. The pilot then stated the distress aircraft's tail number, and that the pilot of that aircraft had declared an engine failure and was going to try and make it back to the field he had taken off from. I was monitoring 121.5, like normal, but I also wasn't receiving anything. (Probably not close enough to pick up his transmission.) A couple of other carriers chimed in on freq with additional tidbits they had heard. After a couple of minutes, I heard an American Airlines flight trying to call the distress aircraft on 121.5 Then another called to American asking if he had hearing anything from the emergency aircraft. He said he had not, but was trying to see if he could get any kind of news or be of any assistance. From the sound of it this was a single engine piston aircraft with just the pilot aboard. Even so, some career pilots, flying the big iron, (the kind that usually make fun of the "Weekend warriors") were doing everything they could, collectively, to try and provide any help they could to the situation. Another nice feeling. You know, it didn't cost that crew anything to be nice to us on our deadhead and it didn't cost anything for those airliners to try and help this guy who lost his engine, but they were indeed trying. Passing along info to center, N number, situation, location, and trying to follow up with him as well. Sure, there are really cool things like fancy houses and sweet cars, but some of the most awesome things, are indeed only afforded at the small price of someone acting selflessly.
I managed to continue the streak of smooth touchdowns on the last leg and then walked quickly right from my aircraft onto my commuter flight. I was one of the last to get on board, and while I didn't get into first, I still got on. Aisle seat too! Whew! Homeward bound! Then, right as we were taxiing out, I looked up into first class just in time to see Mr. Fancy Business Man in 4C dig RIGHT into his left nostril. *sigh* Thanks for that. I'll pass on the peanuts this flight... Once at cruise altitude I headed to the back of the bus to take a leak. I walked into the lav, and BOY! I must have just followed someone that had a mega log. WOW. I'm actually hoping for an emergency depressurization right now to get this smell out.
On a flight attendant note, I paid special attention to the man sitting next to me on my commute flight home. It was nice to have the middle seat open between us, so we were not directly next to one another, but I still took note of him. Why? Well, it wasn't just that he looked like he was about 40, clean, sharp looking man, with a striped button down shirt with the white color, like that guy from Office Space. He was wearing very nice slacks and stylish shoes. His mostly grey hair looked very dashing and the sound of his South African accent added more to his dashingness. However, he was a damn slob! He left his snack wrappers on the floor and seat next to him, along with his napkins and cup on the floor. WTF dude? Something tells me your wife would whoop your ass if you tried to pull that at home! Why do you feel you need to act like a 3 year old when you're on an airplane??? I know the airlines don't give a crap about you and you're upset about how you feel the tickets are too expensive, not to mention bag check fees. However, being a dick and leaving such a mess does NOTHING except give the flight attendants more work to do to make the plane look decent for the next customer. I'd like to take this time now to openly admit that I would have the shortest flight attendant career in history. And, it would result from beating the crap out of at least one passenger on my very first flight.
As an aside, I had written down the tail number of the "distress aircraft" I talked about above. I just looked into it a bit and it turns out the pilot who made the mayday call I heard about was indeed able to land and not be hurt. THAT is what I call good news. http://www.woi-tv.com/Global/story.asp?S=11103708
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Rest Defined
The word "rest" is very misleading. It's thrown around a lot by the FAA, airlines, flight crews themselves as well as the media. Trouble is, the way flight crews interpret the word (i.e. how the FAA defines it) doesn't really line up with how the rest of the world defines it.
Consider a crew that shows up for your flight first thing in the morning and they look beat. They might say "We only had 9 hours rest..." Most people around the gate area are thinking, "Crap, I didn't sleep that much last night!!! These guys are pussies!" 99.9% of people define "rest" just as the dictionary does.
Rest:(noun)
1. Cessation of work, exertion, or activity.
2. Peace, ease, or refreshment resulting from sleep or the cessation of an activity.
3. Sleep or quiet relaxation.
4. Relief or freedom from disquiet or disturbance.
6. Mental or emotional tranquillity.
7. Termination or absence of motion.
Now, consider this fact. This crew, which had 9 hours rest last night, actually got about 6 hours of sleep at best. How can that be? The answer lies in the distinct differences between how the FAA defines this word and how the dictionary defines it.
Congratulations! You've just been made an honorary regional airline flight crew member! (for the purposes of this blog, anyways) Now, lets go back in time and join this crew when they are finishing the last flight of the previous day. When we taxi into the gate and set the parking brake, we have "clocked out" for that last leg and hence, the day. The engines are still running, the passengers are still aboard, but we are no longer in our "block time." 15 minutes after this moment, we are "off duty." This 15 minutes is there for the crew to be on-duty as the passengers get off the plane and the crew packs up and leaves the aircraft. However, it usually takes longer than 15 minutes to get the jet bridge pulled into place, all the people to get off the plane, the crew to walk around the aircraft, finish any paperwork, shut down the plane and gather our stuff together. However, lets say they were good tonight. We parked at the gate at 8:45pm. The passengers all hurry up and get all off the plane 15 minutes after the parking brake was set. Now, you're off duty at 9pm. Lets say it's a 10 minute walk through the airport to the hotel shuttle pick up area. You wait 10 minutes for the shuttle. Then, it's a 10 minute ride to the hotel. Let's give 5 minutes to get checked in and walk up to your room. What time is it now? 9:35pm. I hope you can undress, shower, get a snack and wind down fast. If you're good, you should be able to actually be asleep by 10:30pm. OK, G'night! Zzzzzzz...
RING!!!! RING!!! That's your wake up call. Ugh... What the hell time is it??? 4:30am. What?!? Are you kidding me!? What happened to getting 9 hours of rest!? Get moving, kiddo! You need get up, shower if you didn't the night before, shave, take a dump, get dressed, grab some coffee and get on the shuttle by 5:30am. Most hotel shuttles run every 30 minutes. So, if the ride to the airport is 10 minutes, and you have a 6:30am departure, we need to be at the gate by 6am. This means a 5:30am shuttle, which means, at least for me, a 4:30am wake up call.
Since we must be back at the departure gate at least 30 minutes prior to the departure time of the morning flight, that's when we are considered back "on duty." Our rest, per the FAA, does not end until that 6am mark. 9pm to 6am. That's 9 hours. All the time between is considered part of our rest. Doesn't seem right, does it? Per the FAA, "rest" and "sleep" are not the same. Not even close.
Also, keep in mind, the above scenario you joined us on, was by most accounts, a best case scenario for a 9 hour overnight. When foul ups do occur, such as waiting 45 minutes for a shuttle or waiting at the aircraft for 30 minutes past your arrival time waiting on a wheelchair to show up for a disabled passenger, all that extra time makes no difference whatsoever to the company. You went off duty 15 minutes after the parking brake was set, so you are on rest even if you can't leave the plane. Also keep in mind this example was for 9 hours rest and that under certain conditions, it is perfectly legal for a crew to be reduced to 8 hours.
With any luck, perhaps this rest issue will be addressed along with some other long overdue regulatory changes which seem to be coming. At the very least, I believe the FAA and airlines themselves should not be allowed to use the word "rest" in this capacity. This is extremely misleading and it's likely one of the reasons they've been able to get away with treating crews this way so long without the general flying public being alarmed at how little sleep their crews actually get sometimes. "But it's the flight crew's responsibility to show up rested for work!" As the Colgan CEOs have been telling congress. Funny how that works.
Consider a crew that shows up for your flight first thing in the morning and they look beat. They might say "We only had 9 hours rest..." Most people around the gate area are thinking, "Crap, I didn't sleep that much last night!!! These guys are pussies!" 99.9% of people define "rest" just as the dictionary does.
Rest:(noun)
1. Cessation of work, exertion, or activity.
2. Peace, ease, or refreshment resulting from sleep or the cessation of an activity.
3. Sleep or quiet relaxation.
4. Relief or freedom from disquiet or disturbance.
6. Mental or emotional tranquillity.
7. Termination or absence of motion.
Now, consider this fact. This crew, which had 9 hours rest last night, actually got about 6 hours of sleep at best. How can that be? The answer lies in the distinct differences between how the FAA defines this word and how the dictionary defines it.
Congratulations! You've just been made an honorary regional airline flight crew member! (for the purposes of this blog, anyways) Now, lets go back in time and join this crew when they are finishing the last flight of the previous day. When we taxi into the gate and set the parking brake, we have "clocked out" for that last leg and hence, the day. The engines are still running, the passengers are still aboard, but we are no longer in our "block time." 15 minutes after this moment, we are "off duty." This 15 minutes is there for the crew to be on-duty as the passengers get off the plane and the crew packs up and leaves the aircraft. However, it usually takes longer than 15 minutes to get the jet bridge pulled into place, all the people to get off the plane, the crew to walk around the aircraft, finish any paperwork, shut down the plane and gather our stuff together. However, lets say they were good tonight. We parked at the gate at 8:45pm. The passengers all hurry up and get all off the plane 15 minutes after the parking brake was set. Now, you're off duty at 9pm. Lets say it's a 10 minute walk through the airport to the hotel shuttle pick up area. You wait 10 minutes for the shuttle. Then, it's a 10 minute ride to the hotel. Let's give 5 minutes to get checked in and walk up to your room. What time is it now? 9:35pm. I hope you can undress, shower, get a snack and wind down fast. If you're good, you should be able to actually be asleep by 10:30pm. OK, G'night! Zzzzzzz...
RING!!!! RING!!! That's your wake up call. Ugh... What the hell time is it??? 4:30am. What?!? Are you kidding me!? What happened to getting 9 hours of rest!? Get moving, kiddo! You need get up, shower if you didn't the night before, shave, take a dump, get dressed, grab some coffee and get on the shuttle by 5:30am. Most hotel shuttles run every 30 minutes. So, if the ride to the airport is 10 minutes, and you have a 6:30am departure, we need to be at the gate by 6am. This means a 5:30am shuttle, which means, at least for me, a 4:30am wake up call.
Since we must be back at the departure gate at least 30 minutes prior to the departure time of the morning flight, that's when we are considered back "on duty." Our rest, per the FAA, does not end until that 6am mark. 9pm to 6am. That's 9 hours. All the time between is considered part of our rest. Doesn't seem right, does it? Per the FAA, "rest" and "sleep" are not the same. Not even close.
Also, keep in mind, the above scenario you joined us on, was by most accounts, a best case scenario for a 9 hour overnight. When foul ups do occur, such as waiting 45 minutes for a shuttle or waiting at the aircraft for 30 minutes past your arrival time waiting on a wheelchair to show up for a disabled passenger, all that extra time makes no difference whatsoever to the company. You went off duty 15 minutes after the parking brake was set, so you are on rest even if you can't leave the plane. Also keep in mind this example was for 9 hours rest and that under certain conditions, it is perfectly legal for a crew to be reduced to 8 hours.
With any luck, perhaps this rest issue will be addressed along with some other long overdue regulatory changes which seem to be coming. At the very least, I believe the FAA and airlines themselves should not be allowed to use the word "rest" in this capacity. This is extremely misleading and it's likely one of the reasons they've been able to get away with treating crews this way so long without the general flying public being alarmed at how little sleep their crews actually get sometimes. "But it's the flight crew's responsibility to show up rested for work!" As the Colgan CEOs have been telling congress. Funny how that works.
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