Now, I'll be the first to say, I hate the middle seat. I just do. Especially if I have two larger people on either side of me. I really just feel trapped. Can't lean left. Can't lean right. Can't reach for anything without bumping into one or two people. Can't take a whiz without bothering the person in the aisle seat to get up. Can't really even move or shift much at all.
With that in mind, I was on a commute flight home earlier today. I was happy to make the flight, don't get me wrong. Just barely ran over to the gate in time. I'm pretty sure I was the last one on. So, there I sat. Slightly sweaty and stuck shoulder to shoulder between two older ladies. Why is that part important? Because old ladies are always cold. So, they wear big jackets and sweaters. These two were no exception. Now, I'm not blaming them for being cold. That's just the way old ladies are. But it was at odds with me. I was stuck between two well insulated people, in uniform, with tie, and my air vent was less than effective. Let's just say it was like having a mouse fart on you through a straw. Needless to say, this wasn't going to be a comfortable flight for me.
There wasn't anything I could do about it. And, since I realistically shouldn't have made that flight, it was nice to be heading home a couple hours earlier. So, I was willing to put up with a crappy seat for a little while. Lo and behold, we had a bit of tailwind and even got in about 10 mins early. Not too bad!
However, I thought that once I was off that plane, the curse of the middle seat was behind me. Well, it was, in a matter of speaking. You see, I got home, had dinner, and went right to bed. I was pretty tired. I was nearly asleep when I caught a whiff of something nasty. I hadn't been farting, so it was a bit curious of a smell. A damp funky stank. Something musty, but with a little more kick than usual. I tried to roll around and ignore it. I think the motion of the covers just made it worse. I kept trying to just not pay it any attention, but the smell wouldn't have it. It persisted. It taunted. It was indeed, a brutal case of Middle Seat Crotch.
You see, when I was running to make that flight, I was pretty warm. The plane was warm when I got on, and the air vent wasn't helping either. I was in uniform, which isn't the most comfortable, and I was stuck in a seat between two others where I couldn't really move. My crotch was in lockdown. All it could do was be warm and start to fester. I didn't even know it was happening since I was just happy to be on the flight. However, the level of stank that was achieved actually prevented me from getting sleep. I finally caved in, got out of bed, and took a shower. There was no other way.
Beware the dangers of Middle Seat Crotch. And don't think it can't happen to you!
