Things are looking up

Just when you thought there was no good news in aviation...

Man breaks paper airplane work record

Family Medical Leave Act

From Wikipedia:

The FMLA is a labor law allowing an employee to take job-protected unpaid leave due to a serious health condition that makes the employee unable to perform his or her job, to care for a sick family member, or to care for a new child (including by birth, adoption or foster care). The FMLA is administered by the Employment Standards Administration's Wage and Hour Division within the U.S. Department of Labor.

President Obama recently signed into law, an amendment to the FMLA to include airline crews. That's fantastic, however, I must say, it's really damn sad that it's taken this long. (FMLA was first signed into law back in 1993.) You know damn well everyone up the management chain at an airline has had the FMLA apply to them. But according to these management figures, the people actually making the airline run can't be treated like human beings. All that matters is "schedule integrity."

Let's hope this is one of many steps to start having airline pilots and flight attendants treated more like actual human beings with families of their own rather than just pawns pushed around by overpaid and under performing airline upper management.

Happy Holidays

Let's take a moment to remember that by getting you home and back safely this holiday season, your airline crews didn't spend the holidays with their own families nor were they paid any extra to do so.

Best wishes to everyone out there and thanks for reading.

Thought

Is it wrong to surf porn when talking to Crew Scheduling on the phone? I mean really. Most of the time you're just sitting there on hold, listening to music that sounds like a 70s porn flick anyways. And, when you do finally speak with them you just know, deep in your soul, this time is draining out of your life, and you'll never get it back.

Thoughts?

Modern High Flight Poem

I found this on the web. I wish I knew who put it together. It's fantastic.

High Flight (with FAA supplement)

Oh, I have slipped the surly bonds of earth(1),
And danced(2) the skies on laughter silvered wings;
Sunward I've climbed(3) and joined the tumbling mirth(4)
Of sun-split clouds(5) and done a hundred things(6)
You have not dreamed of — Wheeled and soared and swung(7)
High in the sunlit silence(8). Hov'ring there(9)
I've chased the shouting wind(10) along and flung(11)
My eager craft through footless halls of air.
Up, up the long delirious(12), burning blue
I've topped the wind-swept heights(13) with easy grace,
Where never lark, or even eagle(14) flew;
And, while with silent, lifting mind I've trod
The high untrespassed sanctity of space(15),
Put out my hand(16), and touched the face of God.

NOTE:
1. Pilots must insure that all surly bonds have been slipped entirely before aircraft taxi or flight is attempted.
2. During periods of severe sky dancing, crew and passengers must keep seat belts fastened. Crew should wear shoulder belts as provided.
3. Sunward climbs must not exceed the maximum permitted aircraft ceiling.
4. Passenger aircraft are prohibited from joining the tumbling mirth.
5. Pilots flying through sun-split clouds under VFR conditions must comply with all applicable VFR minimum cloud clearances.
6. Do not perform these hundred things in front of Federal Aviation Administration inspectors.
7. Wheeling, soaring, and swinging will not be attempted except in aircraft rated for such activities and within utility class c.g. and weight limits.
8. Be advised that sunlit silence will occur only when a major engine malfunction has occurred.
9. "Hov'ring there" will constitute a highly reliable signal that a flight emergency is imminent.
10. Forecasts of shouting winds are available from the local FSS. Encounters with unexpected shouting winds should be reported to ATC as soon as practicable.
11. Pilots flinging eager craft through footless halls of air are reminded that they alone are responsible for maintaining separation from other eager craft.
12. Should any crew member experience delirium while in the burning blue, submit an report to the NTSB upon flight termination.
13. Windswept heights will be topped by a minimum of 1,000 feet to maintain VFR minimum separations.
14. Aircraft engine ingestion of, or impact with, larks or eagles should be reported to the FAA, NTSB and the appropriate aircraft maintenance facility.
15. Aircraft operating in the high untresspassed sanctity of space must remain on an IFR flight plan regardless of meteorological conditions and visibility.
16. Pilots and passengers are reminded that opening doors or windows in order to touch the face of God may result in loss of cabin pressure.

So, what's it like?

A few weeks ago, someone came up to me and asked "Are you a pilot?" Part of me wanted to look at the uniform I was wearing and say, "No... Damn it! This is the last time I get dressed in the dark!" Instead, I kept my childish humor to myself and simply said "That's what they tell me!" I was then asked in a very genuine and unexpected manner, "What's it like... to fly for a living?" I took a deep breath and went to answer. However, every time I went to say something, my mind jumped to something else. After a few seconds, I realized that I didn't have a simple answer.

"It's a lot of things, actually..." I began. "It's frustrating, challenging, boring, hectic, exhausting, satisfying, deplorable and enjoyable." I have a feeling the person who asked, was looking for more of a glorious answer. After all, most of the public only sees the glamorous part of the job. We walk through the terminal, looking sharp in uniforms with stripes on the shoulders, stripes on the sleeves, and maybe even a hat. Then, we head down the jetway, before everyone else, climb up front office and grab the reigns of a multi-million dollar aircraft and commandeer it into the sky with all those passengers' lives in our hands. We appear fully in control and command of our world. One must admit, it does appear to be quite the life when viewed in such light. Also, most people still think ALL airline pilots are paid $100k or more each year. After all, that uniform, those planes, all those lives in their hands... surely that kind of responsibility has to command a mighty paycheck!

I didn't want to let the sour side of the job taint my answer, because I could see and feel that this person was looking up to me. Even though, they were my age, perhaps a touch older, I could see the kid inside them coming out when they asked the question. They seemed to be reflecting back on their lives and how things might have been different if they would have make different choices or followed a dream rather than listen to others. Truth be told, I don't think they were really looking up to me personally, even though I am quite a handsome chap. Rather, they were more looking up to the career, the position, the title of Airline Pilot. Someone who doesn't sit at a desk all day. Someone who doesn't live in the 9-to-5 world. Someone that commands an aircraft. Someone who lives in a world where big mistakes don't mean the office loses the account or they don't make the sale. It means that people might not return to their families ever again. That is what they were looking up to.

Now it's never fun when your dreams get crapped on, so I wanted to make sure I answered the question in both a factual and considerate manner. Since then, I have spent a little more time reflecting on just what it has been like. It's not quite the dream I had in mind, but it's not a complete nightmare either. Sure, there are those days, but that's not the norm. It's certainly not like every other job, but it's more like every other job out there that I imagined. There are good times and really frustrating times. But, if you figure that any job is going to have its days from hell, then that kind of all equals out. What you are left with is what you experience most of the time, i.e. what your average day is like.

I don't sit in boardroom meetings for hours on end. I don't sit in rush hour traffic everyday to and from the office. I'm not on the phone all day calling people trying them to buy something. I don't occupy a cubical. I do have a fantastic view from my office window. I do get to see some really neat places. I don't get paid very much. I don't get to be home every night, either. I don't get holidays. Some people I work for are complete and utter douche nozzles. But at least I don't have to see them face to face every day. I'd likely smack the crap out of them if I did for some of the things they pull when it's my certificates on the line, not to mention my own life and the lives of all my passengers and fellow crew. I think they completely and totally lose sight of that when they sit at their desks all day getting bitched at by their bosses. They attempt to rule pilots with threats and intimidation as most of them lack any other management or interpersonal skills whatsoever.

All in all, it's still a good gig, at least from where I sit. I do know of those in similar positions as me who got the crap end of the stick and are now furloughed because of events that transpired completely beyond their control. I might very well have a completely different outlook if my seniority number were different. Of course, it could always happen in the future. I don't think a pilot is ever truly safe in that regard. Still, I don't regret my choice to become a pilot.

When I was looking to make the jump, everyone said it was foolish and that I shouldn't do it. Most pilots even said not to do it. Only 2 people said I should go for it, if that's what I wanted. Financially, it's been harder than I thought, and I knew it wasn't going to be easy in that department. Then again, I never took this job to be rich, at least in a monetary sense. Things have not quite taken the path that I expected either. But, I still can't say that I should have stayed where I was, in the cube farm. I didn't belong there. So, I moved on. What I moved to isn't perfect, but it's certainly a whole lot better than where I was and what I was doing. I'm happier for it. And, I'm better at it, too. Which is a good thing!

Airtoons

I must apologize to everyone, as this is something I should have posted from the beginning. I had just plain forgotten about it. However, for whatever reason, it popped back into my head this evening. So, before I forget it again, here is a truly fantastic link!

Airtoons!

Zagat Outtakes for 2009

Zagat is a company that does lots of "customer satisfaction" surveys for all kinds of industries. You've probably seen a "Zagat Rated" sign in a restaurant or two. Well, Zagat also rates the Airline Industry.

When it comes to these surveys, most people want to talk about who ranked where and in what category. I'm more interested in the "outtakes." Our billions and billions of passengers do have a lot to say, and some of them, find some very colorful ways to say it. Here are some outtakes from the 2009 Zagat Airline Survey.

"Treats occasional fliers like dirt, and treats frequent fliers like a better class of dirt."

"Basks in its adequacy."

"You have a better chance winning the lottery than trading in your miles for a flight."

"The only strongpoint is their website...because it is not human."

"Old worn-out birds staffed with old worn-out birds."

"Lining up to board, I couldn't tell if I was at the DMV or the draft board."

"I expected a coin slot for the toilet."

"Spectacularly unspectacular."

"Another contender for the highly prized 'Passengers Come Last' award."

"The miracle airline…23 wheelchair passengers pre-boarded but only four need them after landing."

"If there was any less legroom, I’d have to check my legs."

"At least you don’t have to pay extra to have your luggage delayed."

"The way they have synthesized all the bad things about airline travel is practically performance art."

"At least cattle are put out of their misery at the end of their trip."

"For peanuts and nothing but peanuts, this is your airline."

"They still serve bad airline food, so retro!"

"You're never #1, but at least you know it from the start."

"Cabin staff has been on duty since Sherman sacked Atlanta."

"Didn't know that candy bars qualified as a meal."

"Mean people like working here."

"Should I have to pay extra for my knees?"

"Planes are younger than the crew."

"The seat space makes an MRI seem spacious."



and my personal favorite......

"Asked why we didn't have blankets, the steward said, 'so they could give the executives bonuses.'"

Shoes

Not quite sure how to state this, so I'll just come out with it. I recently paid $200 for a pair of shoes. Now, a few items to clarify up top: 1. I NEVER would have imagined I'd spend that much money on a pair of shoes since my name is not Stacy London. 2. I don't make a great deal of money, so I don't really have $200 just lying around to spend on unneeded items.

Most people wouldn't think shoes are important to an airline pilot. Most pilots have just one pair of "flying shoes." Perhaps some have more than one pair, but I'm going to go out on a limb and say that most have just one pair. These shoes are likely on the feet of regional pilots at least 15-20 days per month. And, that means all day for those days as well.

Airports aren't usually small places. Getting through security and out to a gate, doing the aircraft walk-around, then swapping planes and walking back across the airport a few times a day, standing at the gate waiting for a late inbound flight, then walking all the way out of the airport, walking out to the shuttle area for your ride to the hotel, etc, etc. When you do this day in and day out, all year long, it really adds up. Especially if you're putting all this on a single pair of shoes whether it's hot, cold, wet, snowy, or whatever.

I used to wear cheap pilot shoes. After all, that's all I could afford. I got about a year out of each pair. I found that the soles became thinner and thinner, and then eventually began to split. I usually noticed the splitting part on an early morning walk-around on a wet ramp area. It really blows having a cold/wet foot for a 12 hr duty day.

Then, there is the important qualification of being "airport friendly." When pilots are in uniform, they are not required by TSA to remove their shoes when going through a security check point. The caveat to this is that the shoes must not have a steel shank in the sole which would set off the metal detector.

So, this year, I started considering some more expensive shoes rather than another $40 pair. Why? Well, it certainly wasn't because I would feel like a "better person" having spent more money on myself. I was looking for a pair of shoes that would last longer and perhaps, be more comfortable. This became paramount after my last trip. I had a new pair of shoes that I had bought for $40. They seemed OK. They felt a little tight, but they were leather, so they would likely break-in a little as had past shoes, or so I thought. They were miserable. They were a slightly new style for me, but still from the same maker that I had gotten my shoes from for the last several years. These were almost unbearable. At night, I was stuffing all my socks into the toes of the shoes trying to get them to stretch out some more. The results were marginal at best.

The shoes that I had were also advertised as being "airport friendly." Turns out they were not! So for 4 days, I had uncomfortable shoes that I had to take off every single time I went through security. I couldn't imagine spending a full year in these damn things. Also, since I had now worn them outside, I couldn't take them back either.

So, I went on a shoe-mission. I was considering trying to find a pair that would be comfortable, airport friendly, long lasting, and perhaps even resole-able. Not all shoes are resole-able, in case you were wondering. I ended up going to with a pair that had a really nice classic style, one that I wouldn't be tired of in several years, had a poly-urethane sole, were very comfortable and were advertised as airport friendly. The sales-dude was quite helpful, and also mentioned that he sells shoes to lots of pilots. He said they were guaranteed for 3 years. He also spoke of a 30-day return policy. He said "You don't have to only wear them inside or anything like that. Don't hold back. Do what you normally do for 30 days. If you don't like them, bring them back and we'll trade you for something else or give you a full refund." I really couldn't ask for more than that.

So, for the first time, I spent $200 on a pair of shoes. They indeed are airport friendly, they are quite comfy and supportive, too. Now, we'll see if they hold up for at least 3 years.

So long, Mesa! :-(

Well, I'll go out on a limb here and say it. I don't think Mesa Airlines (Mesa Air Group, officially) will be around too much longer. In all honesty, I hope to be wrong on this one. Even though their management is one of the worst in the business, they are a very good group of pilots. However, they have lost flying they were doing for United, and now Delta is taking them to court for a SECOND TIME trying to get out of their contract. This seems to be sealing the fate of Mesa even if its not immediate.

As I sit back, trying to stay isolated from it all, I see all the other regional carriers biting and scratching at the fence like a pack of wolves, eyeing the United flying that Mesa no longer has, it occurs to me that this is exactly what the mainline carriers want. Everyone talks of how Delta is in a tough position with too many regional carriers. I call bullshit. Delta and Northwest knew this would be the case and it's just what Dick Anderson and Doug Stealin wanted. With too many regionals to contract flying out to, this means the regionals are once again, feverishly pitted against one another for survival. This means the mainline companies can demand more for less from the regionals. This is what has gotten us to where we are today. Pilots with $100k worth of training being paid $20k/year to work 15hrs per day, be paid for 8, and get about 7 hrs of sleep. All the while they live under constant threat of company discipline and/or FAA enforcement.

In the past, this has been called "Whipsawing." This is what big corporations do. They have contractors which they farm work out to, so they pit them against each other and let them fight to the death over what is being offered. Makes perfect business sense. Doesn't make any other kind of sense, really, but these corporations have no understanding outside of "the bottom line." None. None whatsoever.

As a flying passenger, it might be worth taking a minute to understand that the airline you booked your ticket on can operate routes cheaper when they farm the flying out to smaller regional carriers who fly aircraft painted to look just like the mainline carrier you booked your flight with. The aircraft are smaller, cheaper, burn less fuel. They require fewer flight attendants, and the pilots are paid less. A lot less. For the regional carrier you are on, just take a moment to think about what cost cutting measures may have occurred in order for that carrier to "win" the route you are flying from other regional carriers. The pilots might have taken pay cuts. The flight attendants might have given up some 401k matching. The ground crews kicking your bags around the tarmac might have been dropped from $8.50/hr back to $8.00/hr, a gain that took them 2 years to get in the first place. Perhaps also, the maintenance staff was reduced by 10% to help cut costs. What might that mean? Might mean the aircraft you are on has more systems on it that are being deferred, rather than actually fixed. Keep in mind, this is perfectly legal. However, depending on what is deferred, this might increase pilot workload. Also, keep in mind, the decision to make these reductions and pay cuts come from a group of people who take no such pay cuts themselves. They just sit back on their thrones, complain about the price of oil, and force others to make consolations in order to keep their paychecks coming in, unharmed and ever larger. And, let's not forget about the tens of MILLIONS of dollars in bonuses and stock awards that they receive on top of those multi-million base salaries.

Anyone up for bringing back public flogging?

One exception that is worth noting here: Southwest. The one carrier in all of the US that seems to get it. Southwest's CEO, Gary Kelly, actually took a cut from his base pay for 2009. Of course, I'm sure he's still not sweating a rent check this month, but this is a different world that the other airline CEOs live in. Am I the only one who sees that Southwest flight crews are some of the best paid in the industry? What about the fact that Southwest routinely ranks at or near the top of endless customer satisfaction ratings?

“If the employees come first, then they’re happy. A motivated employee treats the customer well. The customer is happy so they keep coming back, which pleases the shareholders. It's not one of the enduring Green Mysteries of all time, it is just the way it works.” -Herb Kelleher, Former CEO, Southwest Airlines

Ironic... don't cha think?

How to boost profits

United Airlines Exploring Viability Of Stacking Them Like Cordwood

Some jokes are based on far more fact than some realize...

So, it's not just us

Contrary to a lot of opinions out there, it looks like mainline pilots make mistakes, too. Screw ups aren't exclusive to the regionals. First up we have the Northwest Airbus that overflew Minneapolis this month. And, having overheard some of what people are saying in regards to this, I decided it was time for some basic commentary. (On a quick side note, I do find it mildly irritating that it seems like any picture of an aircraft is good enough for the media. It really isn't that hard to google "Northwest Airbus 320 image" and learn that a 757 and an A320 aren't the same.)

First off, in general terms, it's not illegal to fly over the city of Minneapolis. There isn't prohibited airspace around there as is over The Whitehouse in Washington, DC. The issue here is the crew exceeded their "clearance limit." What does that mean? Well, the flight originated in San Diego, CA. Before they took off, they received a "clearance" from Air Traffic Control (ATC). That clearance would have started with "Northwest 188, you are cleared to Minneapolis, blaa blaa blaa." The blaa blaa blaa would have been a departure procedure from KSAN, an initial altitude, a higher altitude to expect later, a radio frequency to talk to SoCal departure, and a transponder squawk code. (None of which are really important to this discussion.) So, by flying past Minneapolis, this crew passed the point they were cleared to by ATC. Hence, they were flying somewhere they didn't have clearance to be. THAT is illegal per the Federal Aviation Regulations (FARs).

At first, most news organizations were reporting that the flight crew might have fallen asleep. In all honesty, it wasn't a bad guess considering all the buzz about "fatigue" and whatnot. I even heard that the crew busy being in a "heated" argument, not sleeping. Not that I would want the crew to have been asleep, but I think I would have preferred it. (Hang with me a minute, I'll explain.) It appears now, instead, that the crew was completely engrossed in a discussion that involved both pilots, who had each of their laptops out. It's said now the topic of said discussion was NOT this website. Instead the crew now says, apparently, that they were discussing the new crew scheduling software. Fair enough. Discussion isn't really a bad thing. This one seems to have been a little excessive, though.

Now, keep in mind, this flight was at night. The crew states, apparently, that they had no issue with fatigue. (I keep saying "apparently" because I have not personally heard them say anything. This is just what I hear from the media.) Even if you aren't tired when you begin a flight, flying for hours at a time, sitting in the same chair, in the dark, can start to make you sleepy. This is why it's a good thing that the crew was engaged in a discussion. It does help pass the time, and helps to keep you alert. Otherwise, sometimes it's like asking someone to go sit in a chair, in a small, darkened room, next to someone else, and just sit there for about 4hrs. Flight deck boredom will usually set in after about an hr or so in such a condition.

It does look like this crew was SO into this discussion, they broke one of the cardinal rules of flying. "Never let the aircraft get anywhere your brain wasn't at least 5 minutes ago." Now, it's easy to be an arm chair quarterback and say how the crew should have done this or that and shouldn't have done this, etc, etc. However, I will say that if the crew had simply fallen asleep, no it wouldn't be "all better," but it wouldn't sound negligent. "OK, we were dog ass tired, and we just fell asleep. Sorry!" In that way, it sounds more like something unfortunate that occurred and the crew hadn't knowingly ignored the aircraft. However, by the crew being totally absorbed in a discussion, even though it was about company related business, they BOTH neglected to keep an eye on the aircraft and the radios. Now, sometimes, your mind wanders for a few mins when you're up in cruise. You're not ALWAYS watching every single aspect about the plane like a hawk. If you tried, you'd be pretty fatigued in a short amount of time. That's what automation is for, to help you lower your workload. But, to be oblivious to where the aircraft is and is going for over an hour? Yikes...

Obviously, as a pilot myself, I don't want to see this crew get torn apart. But, based on the limited facts I have of the incident, I am having a hard time justifying their behavior. They weren't really doing anything that others do all the time. But it does look like things went a lot further. I will be honest, I haven't seen many laptops come out in flight. But, whether it's reading a book, or doing some manual revisions and updates, or the perusing the newspaper, or doing the crossword or sudoku, it happens a lot. Especially on the longer legs. Really, I feel it's a safety issue, and not the same way the company feels it is. Think about it! If you follow company policy to a T and do nothing, you'll be bored out of your skull! Actually, some companies say that you can read, but only company related material. Holy crap is that ever a steamer! Ever page through a copy of an airline procedures manual? I tell you, you can be wide awake when you start and be fast asleep in 10 minutes! I'm all for doing things that will help keep you awake and alert. But, it's important to not have both pilots buried in reading at the same time. It's like anything else. Just use common sense. Of course, if a company was to have this be their official policy, they would likely be hung out to dry by the FAA and the media.

Now this airbus has dominated the news lately. Many people haven't even heard about the Delta 767 that landed on a taxiway in Atlanta rather than on a runway. I'm guessing now, but this Delta crew is likely quite happy that the Northwest guys stole the media show away from them. After all, every now and then, some general aviation aircraft lands or takes off from a taxiway somewhere in the country and airline pilots usually rake him/her over the coals about it. After all, taxiways are narrow, have blue lights on the sides, green lights in the center, and a solid yellow line to follow. Runways are quite different.

Now, it can be said this flight was touching down around 6am. Just based on circadian rhythms, I'm sure most crews wouldn't be on their best game at this hour having flown from Rio de Janeiro overnight. I really don't have any other info on the incident as the media has dropped this event in favor of the Northwest Airbus. Why? Not sure. Maybe they feel there is more of a story to uncover. The Delta flight just landed on a taxiway. Case closed as far as they are concerned.

However, we shouldn't turn out heads away from how serious that could have been. Landing any aircraft on what is effectively an "aircraft road" could have had catastrophic results, let alone a wide body airliner. Thankfully no other aircraft were on that taxiway at the time. Then again, we could say that if the taxiway DID have planes on it, maybe the Delta crew would have seen the lights of those aircraft and initiated a go-around. Who knows? It's all speculation. Why wasn't the crew paying attention to the localizer needle which would have alerted them that they were not lined up with the runway. Maybe the LOC was out of service that day? I don't know. Again, this story has been dropped by the media so there isn't much out there besides the pilots have been placed on leave pending investigation. A quick look at the FAA database just now shows that the ILS for runway 9L in ATL is indeed currently out of service. If that is the runway this crew was going for, then they wouldn't have had a LOC frequency to back up the approach, but they still should have had something to back then up, be it a VOR or GPS approach. Also, the runway approach lights, the rabbit, the touchdown zone lights, all of that should have been clearly visible. I don't currently see any NOTAMs showing any runway approach lighting being out of service at ATL.

Again, this is all just poking around trying to come up with any explanation I can. I don't want to see fellow pilots get drilled by the media, get fired or even screw up in the first place. Now, no one doubts the experience levels of these crews. After all, these were mainline pilots with tens of thousands of hours of experience. If nothing else, these two events should serve as a little reminder that we are all susceptible to error. It's not just the regional pilots that make the screw ups. Even with 20,000 hours in the logbook, a pilot is always at risk of making an error. That's just human nature. All of us make errors of all kinds everyday. Even in the flightdeck, errors happen. Most of the errors are small and caught right away. Sometimes though, well... You make the news. Rarely a good thing in this business.

House cleaning

OK, I've got some house cleaning to do. Basically, I need to catch up some things I've been meaning to mention.

1.) "Ask the Pilot" This is one of those books that everyone should read. It's a quick read and aimed at the common person. It was actually this book that inspired me to create this blog. I will warn you, if you read the "ask the pilot" blog on salon.com, there are some very annoying ads. I recommend subscribing to the RSS feed through google reader or something similar.

2.) It looks like some new rest rules are coming down the pike. They are indeed long over due. I just fear they will be even more complicated than they are now. Everyone seems to be looking at limits to "flight time." If you cut the number of hours a pilot can fly each day, all pilots will make even less money. (Remember how little FO Rebecca Shaw's salary was?) We are paid only for flight or "block time." For the record, it's not flight time that makes for a long day, since we are already limited to only 8 hrs of scheduled flight time. It's being on duty for up to 16 hrs a day that really kicks your ass. Yes, you can be owned by the company and required to sit around the airport for 8 MORE HOURS in a day on top of your 8 hrs that you are flying, however, you are NOT PAID for it. Isn't that awesome? I also hope these new rules address the short overnights companies are allowed to assign. Imagine if pilots wore signs on their uniforms showing how many hours sleep they got the previous night? Everyone I talk around the terminal wants their pilots happy, well rested and well paid. Hopefully these new rules will start taking us in that direction.

3.) WTF is with Spike TV? I used to love watching MXC. Now, if it is on, it's at 3am or so. Everything else on there blows. Not to mention every damn commercial is for some erectile dysfunction medication. I know advertisers try to focus on their target audience. So, it stands to reason that every guy that watches Spike TV must have ED. On this premise, I am now done with Spike TV. I dislike their programming and I don't want my dick to get floppy.

4.) Fat is Good I love when something pops up that just throws into question everything we've been following for a long time. I'm sure this doesn't mean that eating healthy is now bad for you, however, it's certainly something I don't think anyone would have predicted.

5.)
Are you kidding me?? As much as I'd like to believe this, I just can't find a shred of credibility in this story. Personally, I think these flight schools been hurting for business soooo bad since the airlines have been hitting rock bottom, they have resorted to just being completely and totally full of crap. After all, if you look at what the airline CEOs do, and how much money they make, I can see why they are trying it.

I thought I had seen everything...

OK, so I'm done with my 4 day trip. I'm trying to catch my commute flight home. Wearing a tie and slacks isn't the most comfortable attire, especially for travel. So, I headed to the men's room to change prior to the flight.

I'm sitting by the gate now, still not quite sure of what just took place just a few moments ago. I headed into a stall so that I could change in some sort of privacy. After all, it is an airport bathroom. There was a man, a full grown adult man, normal looking in every way, standing at one of the urinals. Nothing out of the ordinary in the men's room last I knew. I could "hear" him taking a leak, but something wasn't quite right. I wasn't trying to pay attention to this man relieving his bladder, but something just caught the edge of my attention.

My brain finally processed that the reason I was now paying attention was that something didn't "sound" right. I had to look over. I did. Then, I wished I hadn't. This man was standing in front of the urinal, peeing.... on the floor. Yup, you read that right. He was standing in front of it, but pissing directly on the floor rather than INSIDE the urinal. Maybe he missed the urination memo. Maybe he's not "all-there." Maybe his eye sight is horrible. I don't know. I don't want to know. I just don't get it. Every time I think the general public isn't all that bad, I see something like that! *shakes head*

If anyone has one of those big pen things from Men in Black, I'd like to set up an appointment. Feel free to email me. Thanks.

Reciepts and Things People Say

I remember a time when you bought something and got a receipt for it. This doesn't seem to be the case anymore. Now, when you buy something, you are given a very thin scroll copy of the Declaration of Independence. The big receipts used to only come from trips to the grocery store, especially if you broke the cardinal rule of going shopping when you're hungry. Basically, the length of the receipt was proportional to the number of items purchased. After all, that would only be logical, right? Now, I don't know when this phenomenon began, but it's getting out of hand. Holy crap! I bought one item from Home Depot the other day. ONE ITEM. My John Holmesian receipt was 27" in length!!! What happened to the "Reduce, Reuse, Recycle" bandwagon that everyone was on? I made a trip to the grocery store, and bought a fair amount of stuff. That receipt was 32" in length. While I find that too long as well, what in the holy crap do I need 27" of receipt for on a single item purchase!? It wasn't even a large item!!! Sheesh...

Anyways... I started keeping track of things that passengers say when stepping off an aircraft after a flight. I kept track of both things I heard when commuting on mainline flights as well as those said to me or the crew I was flying with. While the results were quite varied, there were certainly a few common threads.

On the good side, statements like, "Thanks," "Thank you," "Nice flight," and "Good job," were the most common. Recently, I've noticed comments with the word "safe" in them, specifically on poor weather days. (I noticed these comments being much more common in the wake of the Colgan crash in Buffalo.) "Thanks for getting us here safely," and "Thanks for the safe flight," have been quite common. One guy even said, "Thanks for keeping us away from those thunderstorms!" Another fairly common weather related comment is some version of, "Holy crap it's hot here!" or "Holy crap it's cold here!"

Then, there were some more specific comments such as, "That was a smooth flight!" "Thanks, you cured my fear of flying!" "I love these planes!" "Is this plane nice to fly? It's nice to ride in!" "Nice landing!" "I've been on subway cars that had rougher landings!" Those always help to inflate the infamous pilot ego.

Of course, then there's not-so-fun things to hear. "I hate these damn little planes." "Can you guys get anywhere on time?" "I've been on 3 flights today and all of them have been hard landings. Is it the planes that land this way? What gives?" "Man, that was rough! You flew in the Navy, didn't you?"

While I'm sitting here in the terminal waiting for my commute flight to work, one lady approached a gate podium with her standby ticket. I wasn't paying much attention to the conversation between her and the gate agent at first. However, the things she said grabbed my ear. It became apparent as the gate agent was asking her some basic questions so that he could help her, that she had no clue. I mean, really. Not a clue in the world. He asked her, "What flight were you booked on, ma'am?" Her reply was "Oh, I don't know. Northwest is all I know." Wow. Turns out, she just bought a ticket and showed up first thing in the morning. Her flight wasn't for SEVERAL hours. But, she did not understand she had bought a seat on a specific flight. She wasn't even at the correct gate for her destination. I guess she just figured the ticket was good for today, and she could just up, and find "the" gate with Northwest on it. To me, this is shocking. However, it just goes to show that every single day, there are people on airline flights that don't fly very often at all, if ever before. I think it's important for us of all to keep this in mind. We do this day in and day out. So, it's very easy to forget how confused, unfamiliar and lost some of our customers feel.

National Flight Attendant Day

We have "days" for just about everything anymore. There is National Talk Like a Pirate Day, Belly Laugh Day, Boss' Day, Stepfamily Day, just to name a few. Its my belief that we need a National Flight Attendant Day. Seriously.

I shall be the first to admit, I couldn't do their job. Now, in fairness, that's not completely true. Technically, I could do it. I'd just last less than a week. Please don't take this as I am "above" such a job in any way, shape or form. Simply put, I am not cut out for it. I would end up beating the living shit out one or several passengers within just a few days of starting that job. Maybe less.

To illustrate my point, let us take a few moments to cover some examples of what flight attendants have to put up with. I'm just talking regionals here, either. I see lots of this crap on mainline flights, as well. After that, perhaps we should have a moment of silence if only to take a few deep breaths and calm down so that we don't hurt anyone.

Lets start with the simple fact that most passengers are complete and total slobs when they are aboard an aircraft. I'm certain that these people keep nice houses, dress well, and care about their appearance. They might even be great with their kids and be very well respected in the workplace. However, when people board an aircraft, all of this is checked at the gate. Perhaps it's a passengers version of "revenge" against a company that cares little about them, treats them like sheep, and puts them in a position of being in very little control, even though they are the paying customer. Maybe these people somehow feel vindicated by leaving junk all over the place, food on the floor, gum on the seats, tobacco spit cups (yes, you read that correctly) in seat back pockets, etc, etc. The sad truth is, the people that are responsible for how passengers are handled in this business is much beyond the flight crew themselves. Trust me, the flight crew are often treated just as bad. Any kind of "revenge" simply is more crap that the crew has to deal with. Trashing an aircraft only serves to crap on those who are already crapped on by the company management that puts in place the policies which have you so upset.

I recall two passengers, husband and wife, where the husband paid at the gate to upgrade the both of them to first class. While in first class, it was obvious the wife had not flown first class and she was giddy as well as arrogant. Not a good combo. She even took the time to point at the flight attendant and loudly proclaim, "This is great! I'm in first class! And, 'she' has to get me anything I want!"

I also don't think I could perform the completely pointless "Safety Demonstration" over and over and over without going over the edge completely. I mean really. I know the passengers think it's stupid. I know, its Federal Law. That's why it has to be done. No one in their right mind would actually WANT to stand up there and spew out all this scripted babble and show people how to use an oxygen mask and seatbelt. All the while knowing full well no one on board gives a flying crap.

Now, imagine a passenger who has been a pain in the ass the entire flight. Being highly resistant to simple rules such as not being on your damn phone, putting on your seat belt, raising your seat back, and putting away your tray table. I don't find these difficult to comply with. They actually require very little effort. I've done them several times myself! However, the idea of "being told what to do and when to do it" was just a little too much to handle for this gentleman. I'm also guessing he didn't like being told what to do by a female, if you catch my drift. His reply to her, when he finally complied with the instructions was "In my country, you'd be a slave!" In the amount of time it took you to read that, I'd have snapped his damn neck.

Then, consider a female seated in first class, sitting next to her husband. In preparation for landing, she required more than a few "reminders" that it was time to turn off her laptop, or that she needed to have her seat belt on, or that her tray table needed to be stowed for landing. The entire time, she wouldn't even make eye contact with the flight attendant. When the flight attendant tried to repeatedly address her directly, her husband leans forward and says, "Oh, she doesn't talk to the help." I'd have replied, "Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't see your damn crown!!!" Then I'd have bitch-slapped her all the way to the aft lav and back, followed by breaking every damn bone in her douchebag husband's body. Are you THAT full of yourself???? Seriously??? Holy hell... I've met people that have bought several of THEIR VERY OWN JETS who aren't as arrogant as your pansy ass.

Then, you have the occasional freakoid. And, I don't use that term lightly. Just visualize this woman seated in an emergency row. As many of you know, the sunshade must remain open in the exit row for take off and landing. Yes, this is federal law. Simply put, if there is a reason to evacuate the aircraft on the ground, it's important to be able to see if there is a side of the aircraft that is unsafe to exit. (i.e. a fire) This particular woman was highly upset about having the sun shine on her while we were taxiing. The flight attendant even went to the trouble of explaining things, and politely telling her it only needed to be open for take off and landing. When that didn't work, another passenger offered to switch seats with her. Most people would think, "problem solved!" However, this passenger remained firm. She was not going to give up her seat that "she paid for." She did comply with having the window shade open, however, she was quite vocal about her displeasure with it. Then, just before take off, she slammed the shade shut. The flight attendant reminded her once again, to which she only yelled "You could say Please, fucker!" Yes, that was her reply. And, yes, I'd have beat her in the face with a bottle opener the entire flight. Somehow, I don't think any of the other passengers would have minded too much, either.

Then, we have the classic horrendously stupid passenger. The person who brings a bag on board which is OBVIOUSLY not going to fit in any overhead compartment in the world. They hold up the boarding line for endless minutes while they struggle to lift said bag, and try to wedge it in from every angle. They continue to decline having the bag gate checked, usually yelling at the flight attendant, "It fit on the last flight I was on!" When they finally do get the bag in the compartment, it looks like a queen size mattress shoved into a phone booth. There just isn't any way within the laws of physics, atomic theory, and special or general relativity, that the door will actually be able to close. This doesn't stop our fearless passenger from trying! WHAM!! WHAM!!! They try and try and try. WHAM!!! WHAM!!! We can already see the outcome as the flight attendants repeatedly attempt to offer to gate check the bag, doing their finest job of maintaining composure and professionalism. WHAM!!! WHAM!!!! then.... CRAAAACK!!! The hinge on the door finally breaks. Thank you Mr. Assbag. You have just delayed the flight at least 30 mins while the Captain writes up the issue in the logbook, calls the company, then maintenance gets out to the aircraft, tapes the bin closed, makes the correct log book entries, defers the bin, and operations re-releases the aircraft and your damn bag gets gate checked anyways. You and your retarded stubborn ass has just inconvenienced everyone else on the aircraft. I'd have anus-checked his bag for him. Without lube, even.

Perhaps the very worst part about these occurrences is that the minute a flight attendant is to say what we all want to say, "Man, you're retarded!" that flight attendant's boss would fire them INSTANTLY. After anus-checking his back for him, I'd have grabbed him by the nuts, and dragged him down the aisle to the front of the aircraft, thrown him out the door, and then stated, in a highly professional and dignified manner, "Sir, you are FAR TOO STUPID TO BE OUT IN PUBLIC, let alone on an airplane! Good day!"

One last scenario. There are rules that govern the emergency exit. To occupy it, you must be willing and able to open the door, follow directions from the flight crew and assist with an evacuation should it be necessary. There are some other fine points, but you get the idea. On this particular flight, a gentleman in a neck brace decided he wanted more leg room than he had, so once the aircraft boarding door was closed, he moved to an open exit row seat. Now, someone in a neck brace doesn't meet the regs for the exit row. Just like a 5 year old child wouldn't. The flight attendant informed the man of the issue and informed him he would need to return to his seat. Needless to say, this guy felt like being an ass, so he refused to move and made a big deal of it. The flight attendants don't have any discretion in this matter. The law is the law. The flight deck was notified of the situation as well as the passengers refusal to comply with the regulations. The company was called and a flight manager was summoned to the scene. Yes, the flight was delayed. The door was reopened and the manager confronted the passenger. In the end, the passenger moved back to his original seat and the flight got on it's way. Having seen the flight attendant's manual with my own eyes, it specifically states the correct course of action in such a situation. She acted by the book to a T. However, having followed up with this flight attendant, the official result in the days following was that the flight attendant did not avoid the situation in the first place and hence, it was deemed her fault by her incompetent and worthless manager. The incident is noted in her file as a strike against her.

So, lets all join hands and have a quick moment of appreciation for the fantastic job done by so many of our flight attendants across the industry. Yes, they are paid crap (even less than me) and they have to deal with people like this, and they have to do it with a smile on their face. Personally, I don't know how they do it. I will just stick to just flying the plane. I consider myself a nice and patient person. However, I can't hold a candle to a flight attendant.

I have no power whatsoever, but if I did, I'd proclaim today National Flight Attendant Day! Flight attendants, my dorky hat is off to you!!!

Douchebags

You know the type. Their gross ignorance is matched only by the size of their pie holes. We've all seen them. We've all heard them. Airports seem to attract them in mass. They are, "The Douchebags."

The first one I found this morning was just sitting by the gate waiting to board my commute flight along with many others. An older gentleman, likely around 50 years of age. He was asleep in a chair when I arrived near the gate. About 10 minutes prior to boarding, he woke up and began clipping his fingernails. Yes, right there at the gate. Little nail clippings just flying and landing on the carpet in front of everyone else. I'd LOVE to come to your house, sir, and start clipping my nails in your living room. You, sir, are a douchebag.

When I got seated on the aircraft, I had the pleasure of sitting in front of another fine specimen. Yes, I'm talking about you in 41F. Most people understand that delays are a part of airline travel. Remember that old adage? "If you've got time to spare, go by air!" Not much has changed really. Delays happen. Some are big, some are small. But, they happen, and for a multitude of reasons. I don't believe this is "news" to anyone with a brain these days.

While sitting at the gate getting ready to depart, there was an issue with the aircraft. The Captain informed everyone that there was an issue with getting the weight and balance information electronically, so it was being done manually via the radio and it would be a few minutes, thanks for your patience, etc. Of course, maintenance personnel had to come on board as well to make a logbook entry and "defer" the offending system. That's just part of life as a Part 121 air carrier. Everything must have traceability.

Well, upon receipt of this news, our pal in 41F begins to spout off. "Boy, this makes me never want to fly on this airline again!" Then he turns to the lady seated next to him and says, "Every time I fly ***, every time, there are delays for maintenance." He then follows up with, "I take this flight about 4 to 6 times a year..." Wow... 4 to 6 times in a year??? Holy balls! Those are top level expert qualifications there! After all, I only take this flight about 3 times every month!!! The fact that I haven't seen a single delay of any kind on this flight in at least 4 months must just be my own obscure perception. You sir, are highly qualified and experienced to be saying that this flight, which operates every single day of the week, every week, must be operated by the worst carrier in the world. After all, you take this flight up to a 1/2 dozen times in a year! We should all stand back in awe.

To this, the female sitting to his left replies with complaints about her itinerary. "I booked my reservations through Expedia.com and getting to Omaha is fine, but to get home, I have to go to Chicago, then somewhere else, then finally home! Why do they do that?" It almost seems she has a point here, however, when she states that her total cost was "$140 roundtrip," all possible reason she had to complain simply vaporizes. $140 roundtrip.... Of course, we can always start with "And people wonder why airlines can't make any damn money!" However, this lady has done the unthinkable. The unfathomable. This is the equivalent of someone handing you a free beer and you complaining about it. You go through a budget booking service, pay less than it would cost you to drive the distance and then complain about how they route you around. Number 1, they don't care. Number 2, you are a spoiled little pain in the ass for complaining one single iota about a round trip airfare, halfway across the country and back for $140. I hope you choke on a damn peanut. You Ma'am, are a douchebag.

Somehow, I managed to calm down and get some rest during the flight. After we landed, we taxied up near the gate, stopped and waited. This is something I deal with day in and day out. Whether it's the ground crew not ready to park us, equipment and vehicles in the way, or whatever, we wait to get parked on a VERY regular basis. This is when Mr. 41F decided to provide commentary once again. "Parking isn't that hard... what the hell are we waiting for???" My blood pressure began to rise... The Capt then came on the PA and stated that there were clearance issues for the aircraft we were in and the aircraft parked at the adjacent gate. We were going to be going to the other side of the airport to another gate. I figured I was going to have to listen to Mr. 41F and have my blood boiling by the time we deplaned.

However, I will say, Mr. 41F then said some things that were actually right on the button. "I can't believe the people that manage these gates can't have things like that figured out!" "This has to be a management/leadership issue!" And, "I bet the pilot and copilot are saying 'why can't they figure things like this out before we get to the gate!'"

So, Mr. 41F, I was going to award you with the Blue Ribbon Douchebag Seal of Approval, however, it looks like I'll have to hold off on that since you actually had enough of a clue to understand that the crew is not always to blame for everything as many other people seem to think these days. Good save.

Kick in the balls

Just finished a 4 day trip. It was the one trip I was dreading on my schedule for this month. This isn't because I don't like 4 day trips, however, this one started early on the first day. So, I had to commute out the night before. It also ended too late for me to get home the last day. I knew that was the case, so I just tried to plow forward and not think too much about it.

I knew that my last leg on the last day was due to arrive 10 minutes after the last flight home was scheduled to leave. Even if we were a bit early, I'd still not be able to make it. And, to start things off, we were late getting out of the gate to get started on that last turn. However, we were able to make up some time and weren't too late getting into our destination. We pulled off a pretty quick turn there and headed back.

I have to be honest. I was working the numbers in my head. Once we leveled off at our cruise altitude, the computer showed us getting right about on time. I'm not usually one to back down from a challenge or opportunity, so I reached over and eased up the throttles a bit. A couple minutes ticked off our ETA. Looking at our flight plan, I saw a sizable dog leg. We asked for and were granted a short cut from ATC. Another 3 minutes gained.

We got a straight in approach and I even hit the brakes a little harder than normal to exit the runway faster and shorten the taxi to the gate. The taxi was good and efficient and the ground crew parked us with just a few minutes wait.

I bolted from the aircraft as soon as I could. Ran up the jetway to find out what gate my flight home was going out of. I had 10 minutes to get there. It was still a long shot, but I had to try. Sure enough, they couldn't have chosen a gate further away from where we parked. I had to get all the way the hell across this big ass airport in less than 10 minutes.

I ran out to where the electric cart drivers always congregate to chat between themselves while passengers all over the airport sit and wait for electric carts for who knows how long. I knew if I could get one, while it would look a bit silly, that might get me to the gate just in time. Again, forces were conspiring against me. Not a damn electric cart in sight!!!!! Not one!!!! After all the times those bastards just about run me over as I walk through the terminal, now they aren't even anywhere around when I really needed one.

I hopped on a tram, and that took me about 1/2 the way. Then, I hauled on foot the rest of the way. I ran up to the gate, just in time to see the aircraft pushing back off the gate..... what a kick in the balls.

All I needed was either a closer gate, a damn electric cart, or some minor delay of just a few minutes for that flight and I'd have been home right now. Alas, that's just not how this job works sometimes. I tried everything I could to make it work, only to just barely be too late. Suck.

So, if you happen to be in Detroit tonight and you pass by gate A43, you'll likely see some guy trying to catch some rest over in the corner. If you happen to see him still there at 6am, please go tap him on the shoulder and wake him up so he can catch the morning flight home. Thanks, and G'night.

The Autonomobile

The Top Gear blokes discuss the brilliant "Autonomobile" and why it's rubbish. Yes, it does have to do with planes...

Trip Recap

Being that this is my blog and all, I've decided that perhaps a somewhat interesting thing to do is give an occasional recap of a recent trip. I don't want it to be more of the same ranting about long days, early show times and little sleep. I want it to be more of a little glimpse into some things people don't usually see and likely don't think about. Mostly, it will just be a collection of bits without much rhyme or reason.

My last trip was one that allowed me to commute to my base the morning of the first day and back home on the last day. It's a HUGE difference in terms of "quality of life." I like those trips just as any commuter. I was put in first class on my commute flight in. That was a very nice start to things. Sure, it's nice to get some breakfast, but this time I had already eaten a good breakfast. I just enjoyed having the extra space. It makes for decent napping or even just more space to be on the laptop.

It's not really wintertime right now, however, one one leg of the trip I did see an OAT (outside air temperature) of -60 deg C. That's -76 deg F. All I could think was... "Daaaaaamn..."

I don't think was a single smooth altitude to be found over the last few days. At all. We tried, we really did. Others did as well. Center frequencies were all a-buzz with people complaining about poor rides. *shrug*

We had a deadhead leg on another regional carrier during one portion of the trip. This carrier is one which I've had a few non-stellar experiences with. Mostly just poor treatment because of the company I am with. However, this crew was quite nice and they took great care of us. They even chatted with us, saved us some overhead space (since we're suppose to get on board last). It was a very pleasant surprise.

One thing is for sure: It's summertime and that means it's construction season. Holy crap. I think every damn airport has at least one runway closed along with a crap load of taxiways. Just more things to keep in mind and more things to cause delays.

On the last leg of the trip, I heard another pilot call the center controller and ask "Are you hearing the mayday call on guard?" ("Guard" is 121.5, and is another name for the emergency communication frequency. Most airline pilots will monitor this frequency in the background all the time.) Needless to say, that kind of statement on center frequency will get the attention of everyone listening. Center said that he wasn't hearing anything on guard. The pilot then stated the distress aircraft's tail number, and that the pilot of that aircraft had declared an engine failure and was going to try and make it back to the field he had taken off from. I was monitoring 121.5, like normal, but I also wasn't receiving anything. (Probably not close enough to pick up his transmission.) A couple of other carriers chimed in on freq with additional tidbits they had heard. After a couple of minutes, I heard an American Airlines flight trying to call the distress aircraft on 121.5 Then another called to American asking if he had hearing anything from the emergency aircraft. He said he had not, but was trying to see if he could get any kind of news or be of any assistance. From the sound of it this was a single engine piston aircraft with just the pilot aboard. Even so, some career pilots, flying the big iron, (the kind that usually make fun of the "Weekend warriors") were doing everything they could, collectively, to try and provide any help they could to the situation. Another nice feeling. You know, it didn't cost that crew anything to be nice to us on our deadhead and it didn't cost anything for those airliners to try and help this guy who lost his engine, but they were indeed trying. Passing along info to center, N number, situation, location, and trying to follow up with him as well. Sure, there are really cool things like fancy houses and sweet cars, but some of the most awesome things, are indeed only afforded at the small price of someone acting selflessly.

I managed to continue the streak of smooth touchdowns on the last leg and then walked quickly right from my aircraft onto my commuter flight. I was one of the last to get on board, and while I didn't get into first, I still got on. Aisle seat too! Whew! Homeward bound! Then, right as we were taxiing out, I looked up into first class just in time to see Mr. Fancy Business Man in 4C dig RIGHT into his left nostril. *sigh* Thanks for that. I'll pass on the peanuts this flight... Once at cruise altitude I headed to the back of the bus to take a leak. I walked into the lav, and BOY! I must have just followed someone that had a mega log. WOW. I'm actually hoping for an emergency depressurization right now to get this smell out.

On a flight attendant note, I paid special attention to the man sitting next to me on my commute flight home. It was nice to have the middle seat open between us, so we were not directly next to one another, but I still took note of him. Why? Well, it wasn't just that he looked like he was about 40, clean, sharp looking man, with a striped button down shirt with the white color, like that guy from Office Space. He was wearing very nice slacks and stylish shoes. His mostly grey hair looked very dashing and the sound of his South African accent added more to his dashingness. However, he was a damn slob! He left his snack wrappers on the floor and seat next to him, along with his napkins and cup on the floor. WTF dude? Something tells me your wife would whoop your ass if you tried to pull that at home! Why do you feel you need to act like a 3 year old when you're on an airplane??? I know the airlines don't give a crap about you and you're upset about how you feel the tickets are too expensive, not to mention bag check fees. However, being a dick and leaving such a mess does NOTHING except give the flight attendants more work to do to make the plane look decent for the next customer. I'd like to take this time now to openly admit that I would have the shortest flight attendant career in history. And, it would result from beating the crap out of at least one passenger on my very first flight.

As an aside, I had written down the tail number of the "distress aircraft" I talked about above. I just looked into it a bit and it turns out the pilot who made the mayday call I heard about was indeed able to land and not be hurt. THAT is what I call good news. http://www.woi-tv.com/Global/story.asp?S=11103708

Rest Defined

The word "rest" is very misleading. It's thrown around a lot by the FAA, airlines, flight crews themselves as well as the media. Trouble is, the way flight crews interpret the word (i.e. how the FAA defines it) doesn't really line up with how the rest of the world defines it.

Consider a crew that shows up for your flight first thing in the morning and they look beat. They might say "We only had 9 hours rest..." Most people around the gate area are thinking, "Crap, I didn't sleep that much last night!!! These guys are pussies!" 99.9% of people define "rest" just as the dictionary does.

Rest:(noun)
1. Cessation of work, exertion, or activity.
2. Peace, ease, or refreshment resulting from sleep or the cessation of an activity.
3. Sleep or quiet relaxation.
4. Relief or freedom from disquiet or disturbance.
6. Mental or emotional tranquillity.
7. Termination or absence of motion.

Now, consider this fact. This crew, which had 9 hours rest last night, actually got about 6 hours of sleep at best. How can that be? The answer lies in the distinct differences between how the FAA defines this word and how the dictionary defines it.

Congratulations! You've just been made an honorary regional airline flight crew member! (for the purposes of this blog, anyways) Now, lets go back in time and join this crew when they are finishing the last flight of the previous day. When we taxi into the gate and set the parking brake, we have "clocked out" for that last leg and hence, the day. The engines are still running, the passengers are still aboard, but we are no longer in our "block time." 15 minutes after this moment, we are "off duty." This 15 minutes is there for the crew to be on-duty as the passengers get off the plane and the crew packs up and leaves the aircraft. However, it usually takes longer than 15 minutes to get the jet bridge pulled into place, all the people to get off the plane, the crew to walk around the aircraft, finish any paperwork, shut down the plane and gather our stuff together. However, lets say they were good tonight. We parked at the gate at 8:45pm. The passengers all hurry up and get all off the plane 15 minutes after the parking brake was set. Now, you're off duty at 9pm. Lets say it's a 10 minute walk through the airport to the hotel shuttle pick up area. You wait 10 minutes for the shuttle. Then, it's a 10 minute ride to the hotel. Let's give 5 minutes to get checked in and walk up to your room. What time is it now? 9:35pm. I hope you can undress, shower, get a snack and wind down fast. If you're good, you should be able to actually be asleep by 10:30pm. OK, G'night! Zzzzzzz...

RING!!!! RING!!! That's your wake up call. Ugh... What the hell time is it??? 4:30am. What?!? Are you kidding me!? What happened to getting 9 hours of rest!? Get moving, kiddo! You need get up, shower if you didn't the night before, shave, take a dump, get dressed, grab some coffee and get on the shuttle by 5:30am. Most hotel shuttles run every 30 minutes. So, if the ride to the airport is 10 minutes, and you have a 6:30am departure, we need to be at the gate by 6am. This means a 5:30am shuttle, which means, at least for me, a 4:30am wake up call.

Since we must be back at the departure gate at least 30 minutes prior to the departure time of the morning flight, that's when we are considered back "on duty." Our rest, per the FAA, does not end until that 6am mark. 9pm to 6am. That's 9 hours. All the time between is considered part of our rest. Doesn't seem right, does it? Per the FAA, "rest" and "sleep" are not the same. Not even close.

Also, keep in mind, the above scenario you joined us on, was by most accounts, a best case scenario for a 9 hour overnight. When foul ups do occur, such as waiting 45 minutes for a shuttle or waiting at the aircraft for 30 minutes past your arrival time waiting on a wheelchair to show up for a disabled passenger, all that extra time makes no difference whatsoever to the company. You went off duty 15 minutes after the parking brake was set, so you are on rest even if you can't leave the plane. Also keep in mind this example was for 9 hours rest and that under certain conditions, it is perfectly legal for a crew to be reduced to 8 hours.

With any luck, perhaps this rest issue will be addressed along with some other long overdue regulatory changes which seem to be coming. At the very least, I believe the FAA and airlines themselves should not be allowed to use the word "rest" in this capacity. This is extremely misleading and it's likely one of the reasons they've been able to get away with treating crews this way so long without the general flying public being alarmed at how little sleep their crews actually get sometimes. "But it's the flight crew's responsibility to show up rested for work!" As the Colgan CEOs have been telling congress. Funny how that works.

Proposed Reg Changes

Well, it looks like some LOOOOOONG overdue changes might finally be on the way for airline flight time and duty time restrictions. Rumor is these will come out in September and airlines will have 6 months to change their scheduling structures to comply.

Currently, domestic flight time is limited to 8 hours per day and duty time is limited to 16 hours per day. What does that really mean? Well, it means that you can only spend up to 8 hours each day actually flying. Yes, when you are sitting at the gate with the door open, all the passengers boarded up, waiting for maintenance to clear some issue, you are considered to be on duty, but you're not flying, so it doesn't count against that 8 hour limitation. Same applies when the passengers are trying to get off the plane, but you're stuck sitting at the gate waiting on someone to pull the jetway up to the plane.

Those of you that have read my previous post titled Compensation will remember that pilots are only paid their full rate based on "block time." The 8 hour restriction is applied to that "block time." You are "owned" by the company when you are "on duty" sitting around an airport somewhere. I've sat around in an airport in the middle of a day for up to FIVE HOURS between flights on more than a few occasions. However, you're not being paid your flight rate. You are technically being paid, however, it's just a per diem rate. This rate is about $1.50hr. And, you can legally be on duty for up to 16 hrs in a day. SIXTEEN. That's a double shift, and only really being paid for less than 1/2 of your time.

If the new regs come out as they are projected to, they will allow MORE domestic flight time (block time) in a day. HOWEVER, they will restrict duty time to 12 hours in a day. I think it's very interesting proposal. Most of us agree that if we are going to be at work, lets work. I don't know anyone at my company that loves to sit around. Everyone hates mid-day, multi-hour breaks. You can't really go anywhere as you're owned by the company, but they're not really paying you either. You're just kind of incarcerated. Allowing an additional hour of flight time isn't that big of a deal. Hell, if I'm going to be at work (on duty) for 12 hrs, I'd like to make 9 hours of pay, rather than 8.

What makes these proposed regs clever is that the company has far less flexibility to bend you over and give you these 5 hour productivity breaks (airport appreciation time, management training, whatever you want to call it) where they have full ownership of you. They can make you just sit there and rot or change your schedule as they see fit. However, they only pay you $1.50/hr for that time. With the duty time limitations changed to 12hrs per day, from 16, the airlines themselves will have to get their heads out of their asses and be more efficient in how they utilize flight crews. And, if they do it right, they can use us for an additional hour each day to actually "do work" and generate revenue.

Would the CEOs like it if we made them show up to work at 0500, attend a meeting, then had them go sit in a room for 3 hours, paying them $1.50/hour for their time. No work, just sit there. Then, maybe let them back in their office for a few hours. Then, more time back in the room doing nothing for $1.50/hour. Let them go home around 9pm. So, they had to sit be "at the office" for 14 hours that day, And, we'll only pay them for about 8 hours of work. Something tells me they would go ape shit over that, saying how it's unfair treatment, not productive, not fair to the company, and they never see their family, they're too tired driving home after sitting around all those hours, only to do 8 hours of actual work. They get home at 10pm, but they better be the hell back at the office by 0500, or their fired! They themselves would never tolerate such treatment.

Personally, I don't mind the odd hours and stretches of time away from home. As long as I get stretches of time to be home in between, I'm fine with that. But, when I'm at work, I'm far more happy to just be working. If I've got 3 legs to fly that day, lets go and get them done. Bam, Bam, Bam. 6 hours of flying, maybe 8 hours of duty time with extra time in there to load and unload passengers. Working like this means I'm more alert and safer. This isn't to say that I don't mind having an extra 20-30 mins of time between flights to leave the plane, stretch the legs, get something to eat, etc. However, stretching 6 hrs of flying over 14hrs of duty time, that drags my ass something fierce!

I've not heard anything on rest time changes with the proposed regs. Even if not, I just hope these new flight/duty time limitations as discussed here get put in place. I'll be happier and safer for it.

Next time: "Rest" Defined.

Good Days

I first thought of this making this blog entry while walking around my aircraft during a preflight one morning after a good night's sleep. It was a nice calm, cool morning. The hotel even had a nice little free breakfast for us. There wasn't a cloud in the sky and the sun was just breaking over the horizon. I could see a couple of large birds sitting on various airport signs and lights. After all, the big open fields at an airport are a great place to hunt for rodents and the like. On climb out, the brightening sky was just incredible and the air was nice and smooth. Even ATC wasn't very busy that morning. We were cleared direct to our destination. I had a nice warm cup of coffee in my hands and I got to thinking, "Man, this job isn't so bad sometimes..."

With all the bad news that's going on all over the world, I figured it's about time to report some good news. Sure, there are lots of downsides to the job I have, but sometimes things are pretty good. The last couple of trips I've been on, most things really did fall into place rather well and it made for quite the enjoyable time at work.

When I was ready to start my last trip, I was at my local airport trying to hitch a ride on a mainline flight to my base. The flight was pretty full, so I was planning to hitch a ride up on the jumpseat. Usually, this isn't a very comfortable seat, but it's a seat nonetheless. I waited for everyone else to get on board and then I brought up the end of the line. At the last minute, the gate agent handed me a boarding pass. It was for an open seat in first class. Fantastic. A nice big seat, leg room, not to mention a free breakfast on the way to work. It was hard to be upset about my job that morning.

After we flew a few legs that day, it was time to head to the hotel. We shut down the plane, packed up, and headed across the airport. I was expecting to stand around for another 15-20mins waiting for the hotel shuttle. However, we walked outside and the shuttle was right there waiting for us. We just walked right up to it, got on, and headed off to the airport. That was a very nice surprise.

One morning, there was a maintenance issue with the aircraft we were supposed to take. It wasn't expected to be a big deal, so I put all my stuff away, and did my walk around. Then, I started going through all the paperwork. I knew that if I didn't have everything done and ready, the maintenance guy would show up, fix the issue and send us on his way. If I wasn't ready to go, then we would take another 20mins to get ready before departing, and then chief pilot wouldn't be pleased with me. I also knew that if I did take the time to get everything ready, and we did swap planes, I'd have to do all this work over again. Sure enough, after I got all of my tasks done, maintenance said they wouldn't be able to fix the issue at the gate and we'd have to swap aircraft. I sighed, accepted the fact, and began to pack my stuff up. It was at the moment where maintenance indeed was able to fix the problem. He signed us off and we were on our way. I really couldn't complain about that little turn of events.

Anyone that has taken a few airline flights in their life would know that delays are just a part of this business. Sometimes it's for a broken plane, a late plane, other times it's weather. Just before boarding the passengers up for the last leg of our trip, we were told by ATC that we would be looking at at least an hour delay. I grabbed another cup of coffee, and just relaxed in my seat. I'm not 100% sure why, but I had left the clearance delivery frequency up on the radio with the speaker on. Maybe just to have something to listen to. Then, they called me back. I replied. They said, "The ground stop has been canceled. You are released when ready!" Fantastic!

As a last little reward, when I commuted home at the end of this trip, I went to hop on the train. I knew that my card didn't have all that much money on it. So, I knew I would have to stop and add some money to it before I hopped on the train. I popped my card in and I had over $24 on it! I was sure I didn't have enough to make a trip, but as it turned out, I had more than plenty!

Sometimes, things can really suck. Sometimes, you just can't catch a break anywhere. However, statically speaking, a streak like that can't last forever. Looks like I have been on a good streak lately. Alas, I also know that it won't last forever, but it sure has been a nice change of pace and I've remembered just how much I really do enjoy flying for a living.

Getting "Plutoed"

To "pluto" is "to demote or devalue someone or something," much like what happened to the former planet last year when the General Assembly of the International Astronomical Union decided Pluto didn't meet its definition of a planet. (From an article by the Associated Press)

In case you hadn't noticed, the economy is in the crapper. So people say it's getting worse while others say it's starting to get better. What's the truth? I have no idea. I'm a pilot, not an fortune teller. We'll just have to wait and see. However, many folks have been laid off in the last couple of years and airline pilots have certainly not been an exception. For most people if you lose your job, you are pretty much just on your own. An upside is, if you've gathered some decent experience from the company that let you go, you might be able to land another position similar to, or maybe even better than the one you had. Things are slightly different when an airline pilot gets "Plutoed." This is largely because of an ancient artifact that is the seniority system.

When a regular company goes through tough times and has to lay people off, they get to chose who to let go based on what projects lack funding, who doesn't get their work done when they should, who routinely comes in late, etc, etc. When an airline lays pilots off, they don't have the luxury of separating the wheat from the chaff. Who gets laid off is based purely on their date of hire with that airline. Those who have been with the company the least amount of time, will be the first to go.

I must say, this certainly makes things easy on management. No tough choices have to be made of who stays and who goes. There are no awkward meetings with sad employees begging you to reconsider. No one is sobbing while telling you about their mortgage and kids. In fact, airline pilots are laid off with one of the most insensitive vehicles of communication that exist in corporate America: A Memo.

Pilots aren't completely cut loose when this happens either. This is why you don't really hear of pilots being "let go" or "laid off." Technically, we get "furloughed." Yes, there is a difference. Having been furloughed, you could go to another airline if they are hiring, but you'll start at the very bottom of the seniority list all over again. While your company doesn't want to pay you to work for them, they still want to keep you close by for when things get better. They do this by holding your position in the seniority list while you're gone. When times improve, they start to hire again and you can come back and be right where you left off. Airlines have a very enviable position here. A regular company might not want to lay off a good employee for fear that they might go to work for a competitor. Airlines might not be able to chose who they cut, but they have a great deterrent against them going elsewhere.

This is the evil carrot which airlines have dangled in front of pilots for decades and decades, and not just in time of furloughs. A pilot's quality of life and pay scale are solely related to that pilot's place on the company seniority list. For the most part, you start out making the least amount of money, flying in the right seat of the smallest aircraft with the crappiest schedule. As you move up in seniority, you will get better schedules, and work your way into the left seat, bigger planes, and a bigger paycheck. This is what allows company's to crap on flight crews to the extent they do. Sure, things might suck, but if you've been with a company for a few years, you are going to be willing to just put up with things rather than starting all over.

Let's say you've worked your way up to something like left seat in an Airbus 320 or Boeing 737. You could be making somewhere in the neighborhood of $150,000/year. Your company has really been pissing you off in terms of crappy schedules, horrible procedures, stupid policies and idiot bosses. After all, you've got years and years of Part 121 experience, Pilot In Command experience, several type ratings, and a great safety record. However, leaving for another airline means you will be back in the right seat, in a smaller aircraft, perhaps making $35,000/year. And, since you have a mandatory retirement age of 65, you might have enough time left to work back up a new seniority list to where you were at your old company. How much will an airline pilot put up with? The answer is: an awful lot.

Lets say you are a captain and you survived a furlough. Plenty of people on the seniority list below you. This doesn't mean you will be unaffected. You could be downgraded. This means you'll either find yourself flying a smaller, lower paying aircraft, or worse yet, back in the right seat of something. This means a HEFTY pay cut. Usually this is somewhere on the order of 40-50%. How many people out there would struggle if they all of a sudden got their paycheck cut in half? How many of those people would be looking for another job? An airline pilot would like to as well, if not for that damn carrot still hanging there.

The Blame Game

Airlines spend a lot of time worrying about blame. I don't see it quite so much with the mainliners that I jumpseat on, but it's still there to some extent. Here in the regionals, it's excessive to the point of utter stupidity.

Sadly, this really isn't anything new to the business world. This is one of the reasons I left the "cube-life" of a large corporation some years back. So much time and effort is spent just trying to find where to put blame. I see little time actually put towards addressing the root cause of problems that plaque our daily performance. Some people just think that all problems can be solved with memos.

Here's a classic case and point. In the morning, after a long overnight, our crew arrived at the gate on time. No gate agent was in sight. But, the inbound flight was late anyways, so no big deal. We we would be a little late getting our day started since we couldn't take a plane that hadn't arrived yet! Of course, this isn't the first time a flight has been late. Flights get delayed for a multitude or reasons.

The gate agent did show up a few minutes later, obviously stressed due to pressure from his boss, and asked us to really push to try and get it out on time. Now, sure, we can try. However, there is a bit of a conflict of interest there. We have LOTS to do when we get to an aircraft. It's not like getting in a car, starting the engine and driving away. In this case the inbound aircraft was about 10 mins late. It takes time to get everyone off the plane. Then the crew needs to pack up all their stuff and get off. In a larger airliner, perhaps there is space to be able to have two crews switching places simultaneously. A little regional plane, well, they're damn small. One crew needs to get off, then the next can get on. If you try and do it simultaneously, there just isn't enough room and you get in each others way, taking even longer. Then there are the cleaners. Now, don't get me wrong, I love seeing them, as passengers can be a messy bunch. But they also take up space and get in our way if we're trying to do our preflight stuff at the same time they are cleaning the cabin.

The inbound crew got off the plane and then the cleaners got done. Then we finally got on the aircraft and got to work. No less than 60 seconds later the gate agent is barking at us saying he wants to board the passengers. The flight attendants said, "We juuuuust stepped on! We need 5 mins... " There are things that the flight attendants need to do before having passengers aboard, by law and company policy. Some gate agents don't seem to understand that. The agent let us down to the plane 10 mins ago, but he didn't understand that we had to stand on the jetway and wait for everyone else to finish their tasks before we could step aboard. Not only that, but he didn't even have our paperwork for the flight yet. We can't leave without it or start getting things set up and programmed either. The agent was quite unhappy with us and stormed off saying, "Well, this delay is going on the crew!"

Once we got all our preflight stuff finished, passengers boarded up and finally got our paperwork, I noticed that in the middle of the blame storm, the fuel truck didn't give us all the fuel that we needed. So, back open the door had to go, and longer we had to sit to wait for the fuel truck to come back and finish fueling us. Even more delay.

So, as you can guess, this delay indeed went down as a "crew delay." And funny enough, after the gate agent stormed off blaming the crew, he was no longer in any rush at all. He didn't care about actually getting the passengers where they were going, he was only concerned with not having the blame finger pointed at him. Once that was taken care of, he didn't care much about anything else.

Even under normal circumstances, the flight crew has quite a large responsibility, as we all know. Having the crew caught in the crossfire of all this push, push, push, go, go, go, serves only as an added distraction and increases the likelihood of us missing something. Could be something small, might be something a bit larger. This is when, as we are taught, you need to step back, and slow things down. That's how to trap an error and not let it grow. This is for safety. However, by the flight crew resisting pressure from the gate agent means the finger of blame swings around to us. Blamed for doing what we are taught and expected to do. Good times...

Now, this isn't unique to any specific location. This is part of the culture in the regionals. We're small and we're cheap. We've got "big brother" constantly looking down at us like chess pieces. Depending on whether they like us or not, they can either give us more flying (which pisses off the mainliners, since it means flying gets pulled away from them...) or they can take it and give it to another regional company. So, the brass up top of each regional just scramble trying to make their numbers look as good as they can.

Sure, there is a need for accountability and reviews of where the company is struggling are necessary. I'm not saying otherwise. But if I saw just half the effort that we spend pointing fingers placed on actually fixing root causes, I bet the brass would see numbers and figures that they would love.

Unfortunately, much of the culture I see is built on fear and blame. It doesn't matter that we are all on the same team, in the same company, serving the same customer. It's just about keeping the blame away from your department. How can you have people with water buckets standing in front of a burning house and argue over who set it on fire rather than actually putting out the fire? That is just plain wrong. I don't care what you can make your numbers and metrics show. It's wrong and the customers, the flying public, end up paying the price in delays, lower levels of service and compromised safety margins.

Quick Change

I was waiting to board my commute flight to work when I saw him. In fact, he could not be missed. Before I even reached the gate, I knew of his presence. He was a classic "Kenny Tarmac." You know the type. That booming voice blabbing on and on about some market research program and a customer somewhere in need of the latest software upgrade, the upcoming golf game, the excessive laughter, etc. He's Mr. Important, making sure that all of us get to hear about what he's involved in because after all, he's important. He's the kind of guy you dream of beating the hell out of during the entire flight. You stare at the overhead bin above his seat, willing it to break free of it's mountings and come crashing down on top of his overinflated head. You pray for a freak spot of turbulence perfectly timed so that the flight attendant might spill a pot of hot coffee on his nutsack. His cologne is excessive. His watch is expensive and he wants you to know it. He's always chewing gum too.

Just as soon as we clear the runway after landing, that all too familiar voice echoes through the cabin, "Hey, Bill! It's Kenny! Yeah! We just landed! Listen, I was thinking about that telecon last week, we really need to add some value to that New York deal. I know! I know! Listen, tell Dave to get a coversheet on that TPS report! Hahahahaaaa! I know! I know! Alright, shooter... we'll catch ya back in ATL! Right!" Even the 84 year old woman sitting in 8A is wanting to stomp him with her walker.

Sure enough, after deplaning, I'm walking behind Kenny for a while. He was on his cellphone the entire time. I just couldn't get over how much of a self-absorbed, arrogant assbag this guy was. As we walked on a soldier stood by herself off to the left, perhaps waiting for someone. Army. She was in her BDUs.

What happened next, I simply was not prepared for. Kenny said to his phone, "Hold on a second..." He walked a few steps over then extended his right hand and said, "Thanks for your service!" After shaking his hand and stated both thanks and your welcome. I attempted to keep walking, however, I found myself stepping on my own jaw.

Never in a billion years would I have expected this guy to do something like that. I'd have bet any sum of money against it. I was sure this guy was a complete and total douche right down to the core. However, with one small gesture that didn't cost him a dime, I was proven wrong. All the anger and distaste I had for this man, which had been built up over the last couple of hours, started to come apart. Sure, the guy might still be a dick, but there was certainly some hint of a decent person hiding under it all. I guess you really can't judge a book by it's cover. And even when you're sure you know, maybe you don't.

Gas in the Flightdeck

I'm the first to admit, it's pretty cool being able to refer to the flightdeck of an aircraft as my "office." The view is surely second to none, but space is kinda tight considering you have to share this office with someone else.

This brings us to a subject that is highly volatile if you will. The truth is, we all fart. I fart. You fart, too. I know you do. It's just a fact. We, as living organisms, fart. Some days, it's not so bad. Other days, however, I could be charged with possession of chemical weaponry.

I guess this is also the time to admit, while I am a full-grown adult, I find farts really funny. I'm not even sure why. I just do. Maybe it's the sound. Maybe it's the variety of sounds. Maybe it's the reactions of others when they catch a bit of my malfragrance. Maybe it's the fantastic feeling of relief after a big wind loaf. Maybe it's a combination of things. Who knows. All I know is, they are funny.

I also understand that not all full-grown adults share my feeling on colorectal vocalizations. For the most part, most flight crew members I have flown with have taken my air biscuits in stride. I've only had one particular crew member that was REALLY unhappy. I was bothered by his reaction for several reasons. First, farts ARE funny. Second, I just had a ton of gas that day. Stomach cramps and all. I just had to fart. I tried to hold them in and was just too painful. It wouldn't shock me if I found out this guy went to the chief pilot about me. I actually hope he did. Only because it would mean that somewhere, filed in some company record, there is some piece of paper, perhaps with the words "Flightdeck Flatulence Investigation" on it. I've always wanted to leave my mark on aviation. I didn't expect it would a skid mark, but hey, I won't be picky.

Most ass trumpet occasions have just been met with a wince, cough and laugh followed by both of us opening every air vent possible. Not a big deal in the grand scheme of things. A few select individuals even rose to the challenge of returning fire in a game of flightdeck ass warfare. In one particular situation, flightdeck oxygen masks were utilized. Seriously. They really were. It was that bad. Even the flight attendant was complaining from the other side of the door.

If there was one rule I could make about the colonic calliope, it would be that hey, if you gotta, you gotta. However, one exception to this rule is when you are on the jumpseat. Consider this situation. You're either trying to get to work or home and the flight is oversold. The Captain then says, "OK, I'll help you get where you're going" and you get to share the office upfront with the flightcrew. Sounding the ass trumpet in this scenario is not usually looked upon in a positive light. You don't bite the hand that feeds you, and you shouldn't roast the jockeys when someone lets you ride on the jumpseat.

I've been doing this for a couple of years. Flying that is. I've been farting for much longer. I've noticed a variety of reactions to the one-gun salute. I've heard things like, "Are you sending me love notes??" and "Holy shit! Is that running down your leg?" or "I bet that's going to itch when it dries!"  I've even heard just a simple, "Nice!"

There is usually more creativity in the area of delivery techniques. For the most part, I like to make some kind of announcement or warning for mine. Something along the lines of "Oh dear gawd!!!" Or  if it's going to be a real pant stainer, it will immediately announce it's own presence. Of course, this leads us to the time when you have gas all day, but none of them have been really bad. So, you don't say anything. Then, there you are, leveled out in cruise flight, and everything is calm and quiet. You pull the one cheek sneak. Next thing you know, the air is filled with scent and taste of charred anus.

I've been on the jumpseat before catching a ride home, only to learn that the first officer(FO) was ready to do battle. The FO was producing some impressive trouser thunder, but the captain just couldn't return fire. He wanted to, but just couldn't produce. When we started the initial descent, there was a certain funk in the air. The captain looked over at the FO and said "Did you crap yourself again?" The FO said, "No...." Then, both turned back, looking at me... I shrugged and said "Sorry..." I knew I had broken the cardinal rule. I was prepared for some form of punishment. But the FO only turned back to the captain and said, "Well, he's in! Come on! It's your turn!"

One of the all time best delivery stories I have heard was of a captain, years ago, that had lots of gas on a regular basis. Lets just say he was flying with an FO named Dave. When he would let go of a good tailwind, he would cup his right hand next to his butt, palm facing outwards, and make a pushing motion in the same way one would to encourage along a small pet or child, while saying, "Go see Dave. Go see Dave."

All in all, farts are just something that we have to deal with. Some more than others to be sure. But, if you're going to have to deal with it anyways, you might as well laugh about it.