Gas in the Flightdeck

I'm the first to admit, it's pretty cool being able to refer to the flightdeck of an aircraft as my "office." The view is surely second to none, but space is kinda tight considering you have to share this office with someone else.

This brings us to a subject that is highly volatile if you will. The truth is, we all fart. I fart. You fart, too. I know you do. It's just a fact. We, as living organisms, fart. Some days, it's not so bad. Other days, however, I could be charged with possession of chemical weaponry.

I guess this is also the time to admit, while I am a full-grown adult, I find farts really funny. I'm not even sure why. I just do. Maybe it's the sound. Maybe it's the variety of sounds. Maybe it's the reactions of others when they catch a bit of my malfragrance. Maybe it's the fantastic feeling of relief after a big wind loaf. Maybe it's a combination of things. Who knows. All I know is, they are funny.

I also understand that not all full-grown adults share my feeling on colorectal vocalizations. For the most part, most flight crew members I have flown with have taken my air biscuits in stride. I've only had one particular crew member that was REALLY unhappy. I was bothered by his reaction for several reasons. First, farts ARE funny. Second, I just had a ton of gas that day. Stomach cramps and all. I just had to fart. I tried to hold them in and was just too painful. It wouldn't shock me if I found out this guy went to the chief pilot about me. I actually hope he did. Only because it would mean that somewhere, filed in some company record, there is some piece of paper, perhaps with the words "Flightdeck Flatulence Investigation" on it. I've always wanted to leave my mark on aviation. I didn't expect it would a skid mark, but hey, I won't be picky.

Most ass trumpet occasions have just been met with a wince, cough and laugh followed by both of us opening every air vent possible. Not a big deal in the grand scheme of things. A few select individuals even rose to the challenge of returning fire in a game of flightdeck ass warfare. In one particular situation, flightdeck oxygen masks were utilized. Seriously. They really were. It was that bad. Even the flight attendant was complaining from the other side of the door.

If there was one rule I could make about the colonic calliope, it would be that hey, if you gotta, you gotta. However, one exception to this rule is when you are on the jumpseat. Consider this situation. You're either trying to get to work or home and the flight is oversold. The Captain then says, "OK, I'll help you get where you're going" and you get to share the office upfront with the flightcrew. Sounding the ass trumpet in this scenario is not usually looked upon in a positive light. You don't bite the hand that feeds you, and you shouldn't roast the jockeys when someone lets you ride on the jumpseat.

I've been doing this for a couple of years. Flying that is. I've been farting for much longer. I've noticed a variety of reactions to the one-gun salute. I've heard things like, "Are you sending me love notes??" and "Holy shit! Is that running down your leg?" or "I bet that's going to itch when it dries!"  I've even heard just a simple, "Nice!"

There is usually more creativity in the area of delivery techniques. For the most part, I like to make some kind of announcement or warning for mine. Something along the lines of "Oh dear gawd!!!" Or  if it's going to be a real pant stainer, it will immediately announce it's own presence. Of course, this leads us to the time when you have gas all day, but none of them have been really bad. So, you don't say anything. Then, there you are, leveled out in cruise flight, and everything is calm and quiet. You pull the one cheek sneak. Next thing you know, the air is filled with scent and taste of charred anus.

I've been on the jumpseat before catching a ride home, only to learn that the first officer(FO) was ready to do battle. The FO was producing some impressive trouser thunder, but the captain just couldn't return fire. He wanted to, but just couldn't produce. When we started the initial descent, there was a certain funk in the air. The captain looked over at the FO and said "Did you crap yourself again?" The FO said, "No...." Then, both turned back, looking at me... I shrugged and said "Sorry..." I knew I had broken the cardinal rule. I was prepared for some form of punishment. But the FO only turned back to the captain and said, "Well, he's in! Come on! It's your turn!"

One of the all time best delivery stories I have heard was of a captain, years ago, that had lots of gas on a regular basis. Lets just say he was flying with an FO named Dave. When he would let go of a good tailwind, he would cup his right hand next to his butt, palm facing outwards, and make a pushing motion in the same way one would to encourage along a small pet or child, while saying, "Go see Dave. Go see Dave."

All in all, farts are just something that we have to deal with. Some more than others to be sure. But, if you're going to have to deal with it anyways, you might as well laugh about it.