Contrary to a lot of opinions out there, it looks like mainline pilots make mistakes, too. Screw ups aren't exclusive to the regionals. First up we have the Northwest Airbus that overflew Minneapolis this month. And, having overheard some of what people are saying in regards to this, I decided it was time for some basic commentary. (On a quick side note, I do find it mildly irritating that it seems like any picture of an aircraft is good enough for the media. It really isn't that hard to google "Northwest Airbus 320 image" and learn that a 757 and an A320 aren't the same.)
First off, in general terms, it's not illegal to fly over the city of Minneapolis. There isn't prohibited airspace around there as is over The Whitehouse in Washington, DC. The issue here is the crew exceeded their "clearance limit." What does that mean? Well, the flight originated in San Diego, CA. Before they took off, they received a "clearance" from Air Traffic Control (ATC). That clearance would have started with "Northwest 188, you are cleared to Minneapolis, blaa blaa blaa." The blaa blaa blaa would have been a departure procedure from KSAN, an initial altitude, a higher altitude to expect later, a radio frequency to talk to SoCal departure, and a transponder squawk code. (None of which are really important to this discussion.) So, by flying past Minneapolis, this crew passed the point they were cleared to by ATC. Hence, they were flying somewhere they didn't have clearance to be. THAT is illegal per the Federal Aviation Regulations (FARs).
At first, most news organizations were reporting that the flight crew might have fallen asleep. In all honesty, it wasn't a bad guess considering all the buzz about "fatigue" and whatnot. I even heard that the crew busy being in a "heated" argument, not sleeping. Not that I would want the crew to have been asleep, but I think I would have preferred it. (Hang with me a minute, I'll explain.) It appears now, instead, that the crew was completely engrossed in a discussion that involved both pilots, who had each of their laptops out. It's said now the topic of said discussion was NOT this website. Instead the crew now says, apparently, that they were discussing the new crew scheduling software. Fair enough. Discussion isn't really a bad thing. This one seems to have been a little excessive, though.
Now, keep in mind, this flight was at night. The crew states, apparently, that they had no issue with fatigue. (I keep saying "apparently" because I have not personally heard them say anything. This is just what I hear from the media.) Even if you aren't tired when you begin a flight, flying for hours at a time, sitting in the same chair, in the dark, can start to make you sleepy. This is why it's a good thing that the crew was engaged in a discussion. It does help pass the time, and helps to keep you alert. Otherwise, sometimes it's like asking someone to go sit in a chair, in a small, darkened room, next to someone else, and just sit there for about 4hrs. Flight deck boredom will usually set in after about an hr or so in such a condition.
It does look like this crew was SO into this discussion, they broke one of the cardinal rules of flying. "Never let the aircraft get anywhere your brain wasn't at least 5 minutes ago." Now, it's easy to be an arm chair quarterback and say how the crew should have done this or that and shouldn't have done this, etc, etc. However, I will say that if the crew had simply fallen asleep, no it wouldn't be "all better," but it wouldn't sound negligent. "OK, we were dog ass tired, and we just fell asleep. Sorry!" In that way, it sounds more like something unfortunate that occurred and the crew hadn't knowingly ignored the aircraft. However, by the crew being totally absorbed in a discussion, even though it was about company related business, they BOTH neglected to keep an eye on the aircraft and the radios. Now, sometimes, your mind wanders for a few mins when you're up in cruise. You're not ALWAYS watching every single aspect about the plane like a hawk. If you tried, you'd be pretty fatigued in a short amount of time. That's what automation is for, to help you lower your workload. But, to be oblivious to where the aircraft is and is going for over an hour? Yikes...
Obviously, as a pilot myself, I don't want to see this crew get torn apart. But, based on the limited facts I have of the incident, I am having a hard time justifying their behavior. They weren't really doing anything that others do all the time. But it does look like things went a lot further. I will be honest, I haven't seen many laptops come out in flight. But, whether it's reading a book, or doing some manual revisions and updates, or the perusing the newspaper, or doing the crossword or sudoku, it happens a lot. Especially on the longer legs. Really, I feel it's a safety issue, and not the same way the company feels it is. Think about it! If you follow company policy to a T and do nothing, you'll be bored out of your skull! Actually, some companies say that you can read, but only company related material. Holy crap is that ever a steamer! Ever page through a copy of an airline procedures manual? I tell you, you can be wide awake when you start and be fast asleep in 10 minutes! I'm all for doing things that will help keep you awake and alert. But, it's important to not have both pilots buried in reading at the same time. It's like anything else. Just use common sense. Of course, if a company was to have this be their official policy, they would likely be hung out to dry by the FAA and the media.
Now this airbus has dominated the news lately. Many people haven't even heard about the Delta 767 that landed on a taxiway in Atlanta rather than on a runway. I'm guessing now, but this Delta crew is likely quite happy that the Northwest guys stole the media show away from them. After all, every now and then, some general aviation aircraft lands or takes off from a taxiway somewhere in the country and airline pilots usually rake him/her over the coals about it. After all, taxiways are narrow, have blue lights on the sides, green lights in the center, and a solid yellow line to follow. Runways are quite different.
Now, it can be said this flight was touching down around 6am. Just based on circadian rhythms, I'm sure most crews wouldn't be on their best game at this hour having flown from Rio de Janeiro overnight. I really don't have any other info on the incident as the media has dropped this event in favor of the Northwest Airbus. Why? Not sure. Maybe they feel there is more of a story to uncover. The Delta flight just landed on a taxiway. Case closed as far as they are concerned.
However, we shouldn't turn out heads away from how serious that could have been. Landing any aircraft on what is effectively an "aircraft road" could have had catastrophic results, let alone a wide body airliner. Thankfully no other aircraft were on that taxiway at the time. Then again, we could say that if the taxiway DID have planes on it, maybe the Delta crew would have seen the lights of those aircraft and initiated a go-around. Who knows? It's all speculation. Why wasn't the crew paying attention to the localizer needle which would have alerted them that they were not lined up with the runway. Maybe the LOC was out of service that day? I don't know. Again, this story has been dropped by the media so there isn't much out there besides the pilots have been placed on leave pending investigation. A quick look at the FAA database just now shows that the ILS for runway 9L in ATL is indeed currently out of service. If that is the runway this crew was going for, then they wouldn't have had a LOC frequency to back up the approach, but they still should have had something to back then up, be it a VOR or GPS approach. Also, the runway approach lights, the rabbit, the touchdown zone lights, all of that should have been clearly visible. I don't currently see any NOTAMs showing any runway approach lighting being out of service at ATL.
Again, this is all just poking around trying to come up with any explanation I can. I don't want to see fellow pilots get drilled by the media, get fired or even screw up in the first place. Now, no one doubts the experience levels of these crews. After all, these were mainline pilots with tens of thousands of hours of experience. If nothing else, these two events should serve as a little reminder that we are all susceptible to error. It's not just the regional pilots that make the screw ups. Even with 20,000 hours in the logbook, a pilot is always at risk of making an error. That's just human nature. All of us make errors of all kinds everyday. Even in the flightdeck, errors happen. Most of the errors are small and caught right away. Sometimes though, well... You make the news. Rarely a good thing in this business.
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Thursday, October 22, 2009
House cleaning
OK, I've got some house cleaning to do. Basically, I need to catch up some things I've been meaning to mention.
1.) "Ask the Pilot" This is one of those books that everyone should read. It's a quick read and aimed at the common person. It was actually this book that inspired me to create this blog. I will warn you, if you read the "ask the pilot" blog on salon.com, there are some very annoying ads. I recommend subscribing to the RSS feed through google reader or something similar.
2.) It looks like some new rest rules are coming down the pike. They are indeed long over due. I just fear they will be even more complicated than they are now. Everyone seems to be looking at limits to "flight time." If you cut the number of hours a pilot can fly each day, all pilots will make even less money. (Remember how little FO Rebecca Shaw's salary was?) We are paid only for flight or "block time." For the record, it's not flight time that makes for a long day, since we are already limited to only 8 hrs of scheduled flight time. It's being on duty for up to 16 hrs a day that really kicks your ass. Yes, you can be owned by the company and required to sit around the airport for 8 MORE HOURS in a day on top of your 8 hrs that you are flying, however, you are NOT PAID for it. Isn't that awesome? I also hope these new rules address the short overnights companies are allowed to assign. Imagine if pilots wore signs on their uniforms showing how many hours sleep they got the previous night? Everyone I talk around the terminal wants their pilots happy, well rested and well paid. Hopefully these new rules will start taking us in that direction.
3.) WTF is with Spike TV? I used to love watching MXC. Now, if it is on, it's at 3am or so. Everything else on there blows. Not to mention every damn commercial is for some erectile dysfunction medication. I know advertisers try to focus on their target audience. So, it stands to reason that every guy that watches Spike TV must have ED. On this premise, I am now done with Spike TV. I dislike their programming and I don't want my dick to get floppy.
4.) Fat is Good I love when something pops up that just throws into question everything we've been following for a long time. I'm sure this doesn't mean that eating healthy is now bad for you, however, it's certainly something I don't think anyone would have predicted.
5.)
Are you kidding me?? As much as I'd like to believe this, I just can't find a shred of credibility in this story. Personally, I think these flight schools been hurting for business soooo bad since the airlines have been hitting rock bottom, they have resorted to just being completely and totally full of crap. After all, if you look at what the airline CEOs do, and how much money they make, I can see why they are trying it.
1.) "Ask the Pilot" This is one of those books that everyone should read. It's a quick read and aimed at the common person. It was actually this book that inspired me to create this blog. I will warn you, if you read the "ask the pilot" blog on salon.com, there are some very annoying ads. I recommend subscribing to the RSS feed through google reader or something similar.
2.) It looks like some new rest rules are coming down the pike. They are indeed long over due. I just fear they will be even more complicated than they are now. Everyone seems to be looking at limits to "flight time." If you cut the number of hours a pilot can fly each day, all pilots will make even less money. (Remember how little FO Rebecca Shaw's salary was?) We are paid only for flight or "block time." For the record, it's not flight time that makes for a long day, since we are already limited to only 8 hrs of scheduled flight time. It's being on duty for up to 16 hrs a day that really kicks your ass. Yes, you can be owned by the company and required to sit around the airport for 8 MORE HOURS in a day on top of your 8 hrs that you are flying, however, you are NOT PAID for it. Isn't that awesome? I also hope these new rules address the short overnights companies are allowed to assign. Imagine if pilots wore signs on their uniforms showing how many hours sleep they got the previous night? Everyone I talk around the terminal wants their pilots happy, well rested and well paid. Hopefully these new rules will start taking us in that direction.
3.) WTF is with Spike TV? I used to love watching MXC. Now, if it is on, it's at 3am or so. Everything else on there blows. Not to mention every damn commercial is for some erectile dysfunction medication. I know advertisers try to focus on their target audience. So, it stands to reason that every guy that watches Spike TV must have ED. On this premise, I am now done with Spike TV. I dislike their programming and I don't want my dick to get floppy.
4.) Fat is Good I love when something pops up that just throws into question everything we've been following for a long time. I'm sure this doesn't mean that eating healthy is now bad for you, however, it's certainly something I don't think anyone would have predicted.
5.)
Are you kidding me?? As much as I'd like to believe this, I just can't find a shred of credibility in this story. Personally, I think these flight schools been hurting for business soooo bad since the airlines have been hitting rock bottom, they have resorted to just being completely and totally full of crap. After all, if you look at what the airline CEOs do, and how much money they make, I can see why they are trying it.
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
I thought I had seen everything...
OK, so I'm done with my 4 day trip. I'm trying to catch my commute flight home. Wearing a tie and slacks isn't the most comfortable attire, especially for travel. So, I headed to the men's room to change prior to the flight.
I'm sitting by the gate now, still not quite sure of what just took place just a few moments ago. I headed into a stall so that I could change in some sort of privacy. After all, it is an airport bathroom. There was a man, a full grown adult man, normal looking in every way, standing at one of the urinals. Nothing out of the ordinary in the men's room last I knew. I could "hear" him taking a leak, but something wasn't quite right. I wasn't trying to pay attention to this man relieving his bladder, but something just caught the edge of my attention.
My brain finally processed that the reason I was now paying attention was that something didn't "sound" right. I had to look over. I did. Then, I wished I hadn't. This man was standing in front of the urinal, peeing.... on the floor. Yup, you read that right. He was standing in front of it, but pissing directly on the floor rather than INSIDE the urinal. Maybe he missed the urination memo. Maybe he's not "all-there." Maybe his eye sight is horrible. I don't know. I don't want to know. I just don't get it. Every time I think the general public isn't all that bad, I see something like that! *shakes head*
If anyone has one of those big pen things from Men in Black, I'd like to set up an appointment. Feel free to email me. Thanks.
I'm sitting by the gate now, still not quite sure of what just took place just a few moments ago. I headed into a stall so that I could change in some sort of privacy. After all, it is an airport bathroom. There was a man, a full grown adult man, normal looking in every way, standing at one of the urinals. Nothing out of the ordinary in the men's room last I knew. I could "hear" him taking a leak, but something wasn't quite right. I wasn't trying to pay attention to this man relieving his bladder, but something just caught the edge of my attention.
My brain finally processed that the reason I was now paying attention was that something didn't "sound" right. I had to look over. I did. Then, I wished I hadn't. This man was standing in front of the urinal, peeing.... on the floor. Yup, you read that right. He was standing in front of it, but pissing directly on the floor rather than INSIDE the urinal. Maybe he missed the urination memo. Maybe he's not "all-there." Maybe his eye sight is horrible. I don't know. I don't want to know. I just don't get it. Every time I think the general public isn't all that bad, I see something like that! *shakes head*
If anyone has one of those big pen things from Men in Black, I'd like to set up an appointment. Feel free to email me. Thanks.
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Reciepts and Things People Say
I remember a time when you bought something and got a receipt for it. This doesn't seem to be the case anymore. Now, when you buy something, you are given a very thin scroll copy of the Declaration of Independence. The big receipts used to only come from trips to the grocery store, especially if you broke the cardinal rule of going shopping when you're hungry. Basically, the length of the receipt was proportional to the number of items purchased. After all, that would only be logical, right? Now, I don't know when this phenomenon began, but it's getting out of hand. Holy crap! I bought one item from Home Depot the other day. ONE ITEM. My John Holmesian receipt was 27" in length!!! What happened to the "Reduce, Reuse, Recycle" bandwagon that everyone was on? I made a trip to the grocery store, and bought a fair amount of stuff. That receipt was 32" in length. While I find that too long as well, what in the holy crap do I need 27" of receipt for on a single item purchase!? It wasn't even a large item!!! Sheesh...
Anyways... I started keeping track of things that passengers say when stepping off an aircraft after a flight. I kept track of both things I heard when commuting on mainline flights as well as those said to me or the crew I was flying with. While the results were quite varied, there were certainly a few common threads.
On the good side, statements like, "Thanks," "Thank you," "Nice flight," and "Good job," were the most common. Recently, I've noticed comments with the word "safe" in them, specifically on poor weather days. (I noticed these comments being much more common in the wake of the Colgan crash in Buffalo.) "Thanks for getting us here safely," and "Thanks for the safe flight," have been quite common. One guy even said, "Thanks for keeping us away from those thunderstorms!" Another fairly common weather related comment is some version of, "Holy crap it's hot here!" or "Holy crap it's cold here!"
Then, there were some more specific comments such as, "That was a smooth flight!" "Thanks, you cured my fear of flying!" "I love these planes!" "Is this plane nice to fly? It's nice to ride in!" "Nice landing!" "I've been on subway cars that had rougher landings!" Those always help to inflate the infamous pilot ego.
Of course, then there's not-so-fun things to hear. "I hate these damn little planes." "Can you guys get anywhere on time?" "I've been on 3 flights today and all of them have been hard landings. Is it the planes that land this way? What gives?" "Man, that was rough! You flew in the Navy, didn't you?"
While I'm sitting here in the terminal waiting for my commute flight to work, one lady approached a gate podium with her standby ticket. I wasn't paying much attention to the conversation between her and the gate agent at first. However, the things she said grabbed my ear. It became apparent as the gate agent was asking her some basic questions so that he could help her, that she had no clue. I mean, really. Not a clue in the world. He asked her, "What flight were you booked on, ma'am?" Her reply was "Oh, I don't know. Northwest is all I know." Wow. Turns out, she just bought a ticket and showed up first thing in the morning. Her flight wasn't for SEVERAL hours. But, she did not understand she had bought a seat on a specific flight. She wasn't even at the correct gate for her destination. I guess she just figured the ticket was good for today, and she could just up, and find "the" gate with Northwest on it. To me, this is shocking. However, it just goes to show that every single day, there are people on airline flights that don't fly very often at all, if ever before. I think it's important for us of all to keep this in mind. We do this day in and day out. So, it's very easy to forget how confused, unfamiliar and lost some of our customers feel.
Anyways... I started keeping track of things that passengers say when stepping off an aircraft after a flight. I kept track of both things I heard when commuting on mainline flights as well as those said to me or the crew I was flying with. While the results were quite varied, there were certainly a few common threads.
On the good side, statements like, "Thanks," "Thank you," "Nice flight," and "Good job," were the most common. Recently, I've noticed comments with the word "safe" in them, specifically on poor weather days. (I noticed these comments being much more common in the wake of the Colgan crash in Buffalo.) "Thanks for getting us here safely," and "Thanks for the safe flight," have been quite common. One guy even said, "Thanks for keeping us away from those thunderstorms!" Another fairly common weather related comment is some version of, "Holy crap it's hot here!" or "Holy crap it's cold here!"
Then, there were some more specific comments such as, "That was a smooth flight!" "Thanks, you cured my fear of flying!" "I love these planes!" "Is this plane nice to fly? It's nice to ride in!" "Nice landing!" "I've been on subway cars that had rougher landings!" Those always help to inflate the infamous pilot ego.
Of course, then there's not-so-fun things to hear. "I hate these damn little planes." "Can you guys get anywhere on time?" "I've been on 3 flights today and all of them have been hard landings. Is it the planes that land this way? What gives?" "Man, that was rough! You flew in the Navy, didn't you?"
While I'm sitting here in the terminal waiting for my commute flight to work, one lady approached a gate podium with her standby ticket. I wasn't paying much attention to the conversation between her and the gate agent at first. However, the things she said grabbed my ear. It became apparent as the gate agent was asking her some basic questions so that he could help her, that she had no clue. I mean, really. Not a clue in the world. He asked her, "What flight were you booked on, ma'am?" Her reply was "Oh, I don't know. Northwest is all I know." Wow. Turns out, she just bought a ticket and showed up first thing in the morning. Her flight wasn't for SEVERAL hours. But, she did not understand she had bought a seat on a specific flight. She wasn't even at the correct gate for her destination. I guess she just figured the ticket was good for today, and she could just up, and find "the" gate with Northwest on it. To me, this is shocking. However, it just goes to show that every single day, there are people on airline flights that don't fly very often at all, if ever before. I think it's important for us of all to keep this in mind. We do this day in and day out. So, it's very easy to forget how confused, unfamiliar and lost some of our customers feel.
National Flight Attendant Day
We have "days" for just about everything anymore. There is National Talk Like a Pirate Day, Belly Laugh Day, Boss' Day, Stepfamily Day, just to name a few. Its my belief that we need a National Flight Attendant Day. Seriously.
I shall be the first to admit, I couldn't do their job. Now, in fairness, that's not completely true. Technically, I could do it. I'd just last less than a week. Please don't take this as I am "above" such a job in any way, shape or form. Simply put, I am not cut out for it. I would end up beating the living shit out one or several passengers within just a few days of starting that job. Maybe less.
To illustrate my point, let us take a few moments to cover some examples of what flight attendants have to put up with. I'm just talking regionals here, either. I see lots of this crap on mainline flights, as well. After that, perhaps we should have a moment of silence if only to take a few deep breaths and calm down so that we don't hurt anyone.
Lets start with the simple fact that most passengers are complete and total slobs when they are aboard an aircraft. I'm certain that these people keep nice houses, dress well, and care about their appearance. They might even be great with their kids and be very well respected in the workplace. However, when people board an aircraft, all of this is checked at the gate. Perhaps it's a passengers version of "revenge" against a company that cares little about them, treats them like sheep, and puts them in a position of being in very little control, even though they are the paying customer. Maybe these people somehow feel vindicated by leaving junk all over the place, food on the floor, gum on the seats, tobacco spit cups (yes, you read that correctly) in seat back pockets, etc, etc. The sad truth is, the people that are responsible for how passengers are handled in this business is much beyond the flight crew themselves. Trust me, the flight crew are often treated just as bad. Any kind of "revenge" simply is more crap that the crew has to deal with. Trashing an aircraft only serves to crap on those who are already crapped on by the company management that puts in place the policies which have you so upset.
I recall two passengers, husband and wife, where the husband paid at the gate to upgrade the both of them to first class. While in first class, it was obvious the wife had not flown first class and she was giddy as well as arrogant. Not a good combo. She even took the time to point at the flight attendant and loudly proclaim, "This is great! I'm in first class! And, 'she' has to get me anything I want!"
I also don't think I could perform the completely pointless "Safety Demonstration" over and over and over without going over the edge completely. I mean really. I know the passengers think it's stupid. I know, its Federal Law. That's why it has to be done. No one in their right mind would actually WANT to stand up there and spew out all this scripted babble and show people how to use an oxygen mask and seatbelt. All the while knowing full well no one on board gives a flying crap.
Now, imagine a passenger who has been a pain in the ass the entire flight. Being highly resistant to simple rules such as not being on your damn phone, putting on your seat belt, raising your seat back, and putting away your tray table. I don't find these difficult to comply with. They actually require very little effort. I've done them several times myself! However, the idea of "being told what to do and when to do it" was just a little too much to handle for this gentleman. I'm also guessing he didn't like being told what to do by a female, if you catch my drift. His reply to her, when he finally complied with the instructions was "In my country, you'd be a slave!" In the amount of time it took you to read that, I'd have snapped his damn neck.
Then, consider a female seated in first class, sitting next to her husband. In preparation for landing, she required more than a few "reminders" that it was time to turn off her laptop, or that she needed to have her seat belt on, or that her tray table needed to be stowed for landing. The entire time, she wouldn't even make eye contact with the flight attendant. When the flight attendant tried to repeatedly address her directly, her husband leans forward and says, "Oh, she doesn't talk to the help." I'd have replied, "Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't see your damn crown!!!" Then I'd have bitch-slapped her all the way to the aft lav and back, followed by breaking every damn bone in her douchebag husband's body. Are you THAT full of yourself???? Seriously??? Holy hell... I've met people that have bought several of THEIR VERY OWN JETS who aren't as arrogant as your pansy ass.
Then, you have the occasional freakoid. And, I don't use that term lightly. Just visualize this woman seated in an emergency row. As many of you know, the sunshade must remain open in the exit row for take off and landing. Yes, this is federal law. Simply put, if there is a reason to evacuate the aircraft on the ground, it's important to be able to see if there is a side of the aircraft that is unsafe to exit. (i.e. a fire) This particular woman was highly upset about having the sun shine on her while we were taxiing. The flight attendant even went to the trouble of explaining things, and politely telling her it only needed to be open for take off and landing. When that didn't work, another passenger offered to switch seats with her. Most people would think, "problem solved!" However, this passenger remained firm. She was not going to give up her seat that "she paid for." She did comply with having the window shade open, however, she was quite vocal about her displeasure with it. Then, just before take off, she slammed the shade shut. The flight attendant reminded her once again, to which she only yelled "You could say Please, fucker!" Yes, that was her reply. And, yes, I'd have beat her in the face with a bottle opener the entire flight. Somehow, I don't think any of the other passengers would have minded too much, either.
Then, we have the classic horrendously stupid passenger. The person who brings a bag on board which is OBVIOUSLY not going to fit in any overhead compartment in the world. They hold up the boarding line for endless minutes while they struggle to lift said bag, and try to wedge it in from every angle. They continue to decline having the bag gate checked, usually yelling at the flight attendant, "It fit on the last flight I was on!" When they finally do get the bag in the compartment, it looks like a queen size mattress shoved into a phone booth. There just isn't any way within the laws of physics, atomic theory, and special or general relativity, that the door will actually be able to close. This doesn't stop our fearless passenger from trying! WHAM!! WHAM!!! They try and try and try. WHAM!!! WHAM!!! We can already see the outcome as the flight attendants repeatedly attempt to offer to gate check the bag, doing their finest job of maintaining composure and professionalism. WHAM!!! WHAM!!!! then.... CRAAAACK!!! The hinge on the door finally breaks. Thank you Mr. Assbag. You have just delayed the flight at least 30 mins while the Captain writes up the issue in the logbook, calls the company, then maintenance gets out to the aircraft, tapes the bin closed, makes the correct log book entries, defers the bin, and operations re-releases the aircraft and your damn bag gets gate checked anyways. You and your retarded stubborn ass has just inconvenienced everyone else on the aircraft. I'd have anus-checked his bag for him. Without lube, even.
Perhaps the very worst part about these occurrences is that the minute a flight attendant is to say what we all want to say, "Man, you're retarded!" that flight attendant's boss would fire them INSTANTLY. After anus-checking his back for him, I'd have grabbed him by the nuts, and dragged him down the aisle to the front of the aircraft, thrown him out the door, and then stated, in a highly professional and dignified manner, "Sir, you are FAR TOO STUPID TO BE OUT IN PUBLIC, let alone on an airplane! Good day!"
One last scenario. There are rules that govern the emergency exit. To occupy it, you must be willing and able to open the door, follow directions from the flight crew and assist with an evacuation should it be necessary. There are some other fine points, but you get the idea. On this particular flight, a gentleman in a neck brace decided he wanted more leg room than he had, so once the aircraft boarding door was closed, he moved to an open exit row seat. Now, someone in a neck brace doesn't meet the regs for the exit row. Just like a 5 year old child wouldn't. The flight attendant informed the man of the issue and informed him he would need to return to his seat. Needless to say, this guy felt like being an ass, so he refused to move and made a big deal of it. The flight attendants don't have any discretion in this matter. The law is the law. The flight deck was notified of the situation as well as the passengers refusal to comply with the regulations. The company was called and a flight manager was summoned to the scene. Yes, the flight was delayed. The door was reopened and the manager confronted the passenger. In the end, the passenger moved back to his original seat and the flight got on it's way. Having seen the flight attendant's manual with my own eyes, it specifically states the correct course of action in such a situation. She acted by the book to a T. However, having followed up with this flight attendant, the official result in the days following was that the flight attendant did not avoid the situation in the first place and hence, it was deemed her fault by her incompetent and worthless manager. The incident is noted in her file as a strike against her.
So, lets all join hands and have a quick moment of appreciation for the fantastic job done by so many of our flight attendants across the industry. Yes, they are paid crap (even less than me) and they have to deal with people like this, and they have to do it with a smile on their face. Personally, I don't know how they do it. I will just stick to just flying the plane. I consider myself a nice and patient person. However, I can't hold a candle to a flight attendant.
I have no power whatsoever, but if I did, I'd proclaim today National Flight Attendant Day! Flight attendants, my dorky hat is off to you!!!
I shall be the first to admit, I couldn't do their job. Now, in fairness, that's not completely true. Technically, I could do it. I'd just last less than a week. Please don't take this as I am "above" such a job in any way, shape or form. Simply put, I am not cut out for it. I would end up beating the living shit out one or several passengers within just a few days of starting that job. Maybe less.
To illustrate my point, let us take a few moments to cover some examples of what flight attendants have to put up with. I'm just talking regionals here, either. I see lots of this crap on mainline flights, as well. After that, perhaps we should have a moment of silence if only to take a few deep breaths and calm down so that we don't hurt anyone.
Lets start with the simple fact that most passengers are complete and total slobs when they are aboard an aircraft. I'm certain that these people keep nice houses, dress well, and care about their appearance. They might even be great with their kids and be very well respected in the workplace. However, when people board an aircraft, all of this is checked at the gate. Perhaps it's a passengers version of "revenge" against a company that cares little about them, treats them like sheep, and puts them in a position of being in very little control, even though they are the paying customer. Maybe these people somehow feel vindicated by leaving junk all over the place, food on the floor, gum on the seats, tobacco spit cups (yes, you read that correctly) in seat back pockets, etc, etc. The sad truth is, the people that are responsible for how passengers are handled in this business is much beyond the flight crew themselves. Trust me, the flight crew are often treated just as bad. Any kind of "revenge" simply is more crap that the crew has to deal with. Trashing an aircraft only serves to crap on those who are already crapped on by the company management that puts in place the policies which have you so upset.
I recall two passengers, husband and wife, where the husband paid at the gate to upgrade the both of them to first class. While in first class, it was obvious the wife had not flown first class and she was giddy as well as arrogant. Not a good combo. She even took the time to point at the flight attendant and loudly proclaim, "This is great! I'm in first class! And, 'she' has to get me anything I want!"
I also don't think I could perform the completely pointless "Safety Demonstration" over and over and over without going over the edge completely. I mean really. I know the passengers think it's stupid. I know, its Federal Law. That's why it has to be done. No one in their right mind would actually WANT to stand up there and spew out all this scripted babble and show people how to use an oxygen mask and seatbelt. All the while knowing full well no one on board gives a flying crap.
Now, imagine a passenger who has been a pain in the ass the entire flight. Being highly resistant to simple rules such as not being on your damn phone, putting on your seat belt, raising your seat back, and putting away your tray table. I don't find these difficult to comply with. They actually require very little effort. I've done them several times myself! However, the idea of "being told what to do and when to do it" was just a little too much to handle for this gentleman. I'm also guessing he didn't like being told what to do by a female, if you catch my drift. His reply to her, when he finally complied with the instructions was "In my country, you'd be a slave!" In the amount of time it took you to read that, I'd have snapped his damn neck.
Then, consider a female seated in first class, sitting next to her husband. In preparation for landing, she required more than a few "reminders" that it was time to turn off her laptop, or that she needed to have her seat belt on, or that her tray table needed to be stowed for landing. The entire time, she wouldn't even make eye contact with the flight attendant. When the flight attendant tried to repeatedly address her directly, her husband leans forward and says, "Oh, she doesn't talk to the help." I'd have replied, "Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't see your damn crown!!!" Then I'd have bitch-slapped her all the way to the aft lav and back, followed by breaking every damn bone in her douchebag husband's body. Are you THAT full of yourself???? Seriously??? Holy hell... I've met people that have bought several of THEIR VERY OWN JETS who aren't as arrogant as your pansy ass.
Then, you have the occasional freakoid. And, I don't use that term lightly. Just visualize this woman seated in an emergency row. As many of you know, the sunshade must remain open in the exit row for take off and landing. Yes, this is federal law. Simply put, if there is a reason to evacuate the aircraft on the ground, it's important to be able to see if there is a side of the aircraft that is unsafe to exit. (i.e. a fire) This particular woman was highly upset about having the sun shine on her while we were taxiing. The flight attendant even went to the trouble of explaining things, and politely telling her it only needed to be open for take off and landing. When that didn't work, another passenger offered to switch seats with her. Most people would think, "problem solved!" However, this passenger remained firm. She was not going to give up her seat that "she paid for." She did comply with having the window shade open, however, she was quite vocal about her displeasure with it. Then, just before take off, she slammed the shade shut. The flight attendant reminded her once again, to which she only yelled "You could say Please, fucker!" Yes, that was her reply. And, yes, I'd have beat her in the face with a bottle opener the entire flight. Somehow, I don't think any of the other passengers would have minded too much, either.
Then, we have the classic horrendously stupid passenger. The person who brings a bag on board which is OBVIOUSLY not going to fit in any overhead compartment in the world. They hold up the boarding line for endless minutes while they struggle to lift said bag, and try to wedge it in from every angle. They continue to decline having the bag gate checked, usually yelling at the flight attendant, "It fit on the last flight I was on!" When they finally do get the bag in the compartment, it looks like a queen size mattress shoved into a phone booth. There just isn't any way within the laws of physics, atomic theory, and special or general relativity, that the door will actually be able to close. This doesn't stop our fearless passenger from trying! WHAM!! WHAM!!! They try and try and try. WHAM!!! WHAM!!! We can already see the outcome as the flight attendants repeatedly attempt to offer to gate check the bag, doing their finest job of maintaining composure and professionalism. WHAM!!! WHAM!!!! then.... CRAAAACK!!! The hinge on the door finally breaks. Thank you Mr. Assbag. You have just delayed the flight at least 30 mins while the Captain writes up the issue in the logbook, calls the company, then maintenance gets out to the aircraft, tapes the bin closed, makes the correct log book entries, defers the bin, and operations re-releases the aircraft and your damn bag gets gate checked anyways. You and your retarded stubborn ass has just inconvenienced everyone else on the aircraft. I'd have anus-checked his bag for him. Without lube, even.
Perhaps the very worst part about these occurrences is that the minute a flight attendant is to say what we all want to say, "Man, you're retarded!" that flight attendant's boss would fire them INSTANTLY. After anus-checking his back for him, I'd have grabbed him by the nuts, and dragged him down the aisle to the front of the aircraft, thrown him out the door, and then stated, in a highly professional and dignified manner, "Sir, you are FAR TOO STUPID TO BE OUT IN PUBLIC, let alone on an airplane! Good day!"
One last scenario. There are rules that govern the emergency exit. To occupy it, you must be willing and able to open the door, follow directions from the flight crew and assist with an evacuation should it be necessary. There are some other fine points, but you get the idea. On this particular flight, a gentleman in a neck brace decided he wanted more leg room than he had, so once the aircraft boarding door was closed, he moved to an open exit row seat. Now, someone in a neck brace doesn't meet the regs for the exit row. Just like a 5 year old child wouldn't. The flight attendant informed the man of the issue and informed him he would need to return to his seat. Needless to say, this guy felt like being an ass, so he refused to move and made a big deal of it. The flight attendants don't have any discretion in this matter. The law is the law. The flight deck was notified of the situation as well as the passengers refusal to comply with the regulations. The company was called and a flight manager was summoned to the scene. Yes, the flight was delayed. The door was reopened and the manager confronted the passenger. In the end, the passenger moved back to his original seat and the flight got on it's way. Having seen the flight attendant's manual with my own eyes, it specifically states the correct course of action in such a situation. She acted by the book to a T. However, having followed up with this flight attendant, the official result in the days following was that the flight attendant did not avoid the situation in the first place and hence, it was deemed her fault by her incompetent and worthless manager. The incident is noted in her file as a strike against her.
So, lets all join hands and have a quick moment of appreciation for the fantastic job done by so many of our flight attendants across the industry. Yes, they are paid crap (even less than me) and they have to deal with people like this, and they have to do it with a smile on their face. Personally, I don't know how they do it. I will just stick to just flying the plane. I consider myself a nice and patient person. However, I can't hold a candle to a flight attendant.
I have no power whatsoever, but if I did, I'd proclaim today National Flight Attendant Day! Flight attendants, my dorky hat is off to you!!!
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