National Flight Attendant Day

We have "days" for just about everything anymore. There is National Talk Like a Pirate Day, Belly Laugh Day, Boss' Day, Stepfamily Day, just to name a few. Its my belief that we need a National Flight Attendant Day. Seriously.

I shall be the first to admit, I couldn't do their job. Now, in fairness, that's not completely true. Technically, I could do it. I'd just last less than a week. Please don't take this as I am "above" such a job in any way, shape or form. Simply put, I am not cut out for it. I would end up beating the living shit out one or several passengers within just a few days of starting that job. Maybe less.

To illustrate my point, let us take a few moments to cover some examples of what flight attendants have to put up with. I'm just talking regionals here, either. I see lots of this crap on mainline flights, as well. After that, perhaps we should have a moment of silence if only to take a few deep breaths and calm down so that we don't hurt anyone.

Lets start with the simple fact that most passengers are complete and total slobs when they are aboard an aircraft. I'm certain that these people keep nice houses, dress well, and care about their appearance. They might even be great with their kids and be very well respected in the workplace. However, when people board an aircraft, all of this is checked at the gate. Perhaps it's a passengers version of "revenge" against a company that cares little about them, treats them like sheep, and puts them in a position of being in very little control, even though they are the paying customer. Maybe these people somehow feel vindicated by leaving junk all over the place, food on the floor, gum on the seats, tobacco spit cups (yes, you read that correctly) in seat back pockets, etc, etc. The sad truth is, the people that are responsible for how passengers are handled in this business is much beyond the flight crew themselves. Trust me, the flight crew are often treated just as bad. Any kind of "revenge" simply is more crap that the crew has to deal with. Trashing an aircraft only serves to crap on those who are already crapped on by the company management that puts in place the policies which have you so upset.

I recall two passengers, husband and wife, where the husband paid at the gate to upgrade the both of them to first class. While in first class, it was obvious the wife had not flown first class and she was giddy as well as arrogant. Not a good combo. She even took the time to point at the flight attendant and loudly proclaim, "This is great! I'm in first class! And, 'she' has to get me anything I want!"

I also don't think I could perform the completely pointless "Safety Demonstration" over and over and over without going over the edge completely. I mean really. I know the passengers think it's stupid. I know, its Federal Law. That's why it has to be done. No one in their right mind would actually WANT to stand up there and spew out all this scripted babble and show people how to use an oxygen mask and seatbelt. All the while knowing full well no one on board gives a flying crap.

Now, imagine a passenger who has been a pain in the ass the entire flight. Being highly resistant to simple rules such as not being on your damn phone, putting on your seat belt, raising your seat back, and putting away your tray table. I don't find these difficult to comply with. They actually require very little effort. I've done them several times myself! However, the idea of "being told what to do and when to do it" was just a little too much to handle for this gentleman. I'm also guessing he didn't like being told what to do by a female, if you catch my drift. His reply to her, when he finally complied with the instructions was "In my country, you'd be a slave!" In the amount of time it took you to read that, I'd have snapped his damn neck.

Then, consider a female seated in first class, sitting next to her husband. In preparation for landing, she required more than a few "reminders" that it was time to turn off her laptop, or that she needed to have her seat belt on, or that her tray table needed to be stowed for landing. The entire time, she wouldn't even make eye contact with the flight attendant. When the flight attendant tried to repeatedly address her directly, her husband leans forward and says, "Oh, she doesn't talk to the help." I'd have replied, "Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't see your damn crown!!!" Then I'd have bitch-slapped her all the way to the aft lav and back, followed by breaking every damn bone in her douchebag husband's body. Are you THAT full of yourself???? Seriously??? Holy hell... I've met people that have bought several of THEIR VERY OWN JETS who aren't as arrogant as your pansy ass.

Then, you have the occasional freakoid. And, I don't use that term lightly. Just visualize this woman seated in an emergency row. As many of you know, the sunshade must remain open in the exit row for take off and landing. Yes, this is federal law. Simply put, if there is a reason to evacuate the aircraft on the ground, it's important to be able to see if there is a side of the aircraft that is unsafe to exit. (i.e. a fire) This particular woman was highly upset about having the sun shine on her while we were taxiing. The flight attendant even went to the trouble of explaining things, and politely telling her it only needed to be open for take off and landing. When that didn't work, another passenger offered to switch seats with her. Most people would think, "problem solved!" However, this passenger remained firm. She was not going to give up her seat that "she paid for." She did comply with having the window shade open, however, she was quite vocal about her displeasure with it. Then, just before take off, she slammed the shade shut. The flight attendant reminded her once again, to which she only yelled "You could say Please, fucker!" Yes, that was her reply. And, yes, I'd have beat her in the face with a bottle opener the entire flight. Somehow, I don't think any of the other passengers would have minded too much, either.

Then, we have the classic horrendously stupid passenger. The person who brings a bag on board which is OBVIOUSLY not going to fit in any overhead compartment in the world. They hold up the boarding line for endless minutes while they struggle to lift said bag, and try to wedge it in from every angle. They continue to decline having the bag gate checked, usually yelling at the flight attendant, "It fit on the last flight I was on!" When they finally do get the bag in the compartment, it looks like a queen size mattress shoved into a phone booth. There just isn't any way within the laws of physics, atomic theory, and special or general relativity, that the door will actually be able to close. This doesn't stop our fearless passenger from trying! WHAM!! WHAM!!! They try and try and try. WHAM!!! WHAM!!! We can already see the outcome as the flight attendants repeatedly attempt to offer to gate check the bag, doing their finest job of maintaining composure and professionalism. WHAM!!! WHAM!!!! then.... CRAAAACK!!! The hinge on the door finally breaks. Thank you Mr. Assbag. You have just delayed the flight at least 30 mins while the Captain writes up the issue in the logbook, calls the company, then maintenance gets out to the aircraft, tapes the bin closed, makes the correct log book entries, defers the bin, and operations re-releases the aircraft and your damn bag gets gate checked anyways. You and your retarded stubborn ass has just inconvenienced everyone else on the aircraft. I'd have anus-checked his bag for him. Without lube, even.

Perhaps the very worst part about these occurrences is that the minute a flight attendant is to say what we all want to say, "Man, you're retarded!" that flight attendant's boss would fire them INSTANTLY. After anus-checking his back for him, I'd have grabbed him by the nuts, and dragged him down the aisle to the front of the aircraft, thrown him out the door, and then stated, in a highly professional and dignified manner, "Sir, you are FAR TOO STUPID TO BE OUT IN PUBLIC, let alone on an airplane! Good day!"

One last scenario. There are rules that govern the emergency exit. To occupy it, you must be willing and able to open the door, follow directions from the flight crew and assist with an evacuation should it be necessary. There are some other fine points, but you get the idea. On this particular flight, a gentleman in a neck brace decided he wanted more leg room than he had, so once the aircraft boarding door was closed, he moved to an open exit row seat. Now, someone in a neck brace doesn't meet the regs for the exit row. Just like a 5 year old child wouldn't. The flight attendant informed the man of the issue and informed him he would need to return to his seat. Needless to say, this guy felt like being an ass, so he refused to move and made a big deal of it. The flight attendants don't have any discretion in this matter. The law is the law. The flight deck was notified of the situation as well as the passengers refusal to comply with the regulations. The company was called and a flight manager was summoned to the scene. Yes, the flight was delayed. The door was reopened and the manager confronted the passenger. In the end, the passenger moved back to his original seat and the flight got on it's way. Having seen the flight attendant's manual with my own eyes, it specifically states the correct course of action in such a situation. She acted by the book to a T. However, having followed up with this flight attendant, the official result in the days following was that the flight attendant did not avoid the situation in the first place and hence, it was deemed her fault by her incompetent and worthless manager. The incident is noted in her file as a strike against her.

So, lets all join hands and have a quick moment of appreciation for the fantastic job done by so many of our flight attendants across the industry. Yes, they are paid crap (even less than me) and they have to deal with people like this, and they have to do it with a smile on their face. Personally, I don't know how they do it. I will just stick to just flying the plane. I consider myself a nice and patient person. However, I can't hold a candle to a flight attendant.

I have no power whatsoever, but if I did, I'd proclaim today National Flight Attendant Day! Flight attendants, my dorky hat is off to you!!!