Thursday, January 14, 2010

Seat 3B

Recently, I was on a commute flight home. I was lucky enough to get an open seat in first class. However, I was sitting next to someone I didn't much care for. A very tall, large man, who really projected an attitude. One of those people that have a HUGE chip on their shoulder and want everyone to know about it. This guy also couldn't stand to be 5 minutes without his huge headphones on his head.

As we sat there waiting to push off the gate, I could clearly hear this guy's music through his headphones. I must say, for take-off, this gentleman did turn off his iPod and put his headphones around his neck. I expected him to be more resistant about that given his demeanor thus far. Maybe this guy wasn't quite the douche I thought he was.

Once we got up in the air, his headphones never left his head. He was quite minimalist with all his words to any of the flight attendants, almost a "you're not worthy of my attention" kind of attitude. I can't imagine how much fun it must be to try and provide in-flight service to someone that won't even take off his headphones long enough to hear a single sentence from anyone.

Then, it was time for the descent. This gentleman was asked twice to remove his headphones and turn off his iPod. Both times, he replied with, "sure." His headphones didn't leave his head. He even turned up the volume further and then bounced his knee to his music. He seemed to be making a point to everyone that he wasn't going to be told what to do. After all, he was a first class passenger.

My blood pressure was rising, I must admit. I really hate that whole self-absorbed attitude. Someone who really feels that rules don't apply to them like they are some kind of royalty. I almost addressed this individual myself. I was in uniform, but it was obvious this guy didn't give two flying shits about anyone. Not to mention, he'd been putting down the Sky vodkas, so "rational thought" was likely not his strongest suit at this point. He was willfully ignoring the flight attendants and he knew damn well there was a pilot sitting to his left. I could only see that my addressing the situation with him would have escalated. I was pissed with him as it was. I knew that if it did get out of hand, the final ruling at the end of the day, after law enforcement met the plane, would have come against me. Why? I was on a mainline flight, and I'm not a mainline employee. This man as not "security threat" so all a crew member can do is "inform but not enforce."

Minute by minute my severe detest for this individual was reaching epic levels. It was at that moment where I had an epiphany. Why was he asked to take off his headphones? 1.) It's an FAA rule 2.) For his own safety. It was that second reason that really hit me. This assclown was being told to remove his headsets so that in the event of an emergency, he would be able to hear something like evacuation instructions. If he's got his ridiculous and obnoxious headphones blaring away, he wouldn't be able to hear a damn thing. By him being "too entitled to listen to a flight attendant" he was only serving to possibly compromise his own safety. Arrogance and ignorance often co-habitate.

My blood pressure melted away. I was no longer bothered by his self-absorbed and resistive attitude. Just knowing that he wasn't doing a damn thing except compromising his own safety was very satisfying. I actually found myself "hoping" for a blown tire or engine fire on landing. Hell, even a go around would have been good. I'm sure that once that aircraft surged to take-off power and screamed skyward, this idiot would have been yelling "What the hell! What's happening!?" To which I would have simply replied, "Well, if you didn't have your FUCKING HEADPHONES ON, maybe you would have heard the PA announcement, sir."

So, Mr Seat 3B... on behalf of flight crews worldwide, I now pronounce you a Certified Douche Bag. Congratulations, we know you've worked hard. And for the record, you might think you are "all that" walking around with your "The 50th Law" book in your hand, but trust me, you're not even close.

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