Top Ten PAs I wish I could make

In honor of my 2000th tweet, along with some encouragement from @AlisonRaffael, I present the Top Ten PAs I wish I could make:

10.) "Folks, we're level here at our cruising altitude, the air is smooth and I have turned off the seat belt sign, but really, who the hell cares?  No one pays any attention to it.  Most of you aren't even listening to me right now."  

9.)  "Hell, the book says its legal...  it must be safe, right!  Wait, is this thing on?"

8.)  "No, having your cellphone on won't crash the plane.  However, the rules are the rules, and those who refuse to get off their phones will be escorted onto the left wing for take-off, thanks." 

7.) "Yes, you bought a ticket.  That doesn't mean this is your personal aircraft." 

6.) "If our flight attendants inform you that your enormous damn bag won't fit in the overhead, they likely know what they are talking about.  They are on this aircraft everyday.  If you chose to ignore them and break the overhead by slamming it, I will personally give you a blue-juice swirly." 

5.) "Welcome aboard, sit back, relax and enjoy the flight knowing that the First Officer and myself got about 8 hours sleep last night.  Yep, 4 hours each."

4.) "Yes, I did everything in my power to make that landing as awful as possible.  Its what I do."

3.)  "You booked a flight through an airport rated as the worst in the country for on-time service, and you are yelling at me about your 20 min connection?  Let me guess, you're a mortgage loan officer, aren't you?"   

2.)  "Airline ticket prices have barely increased in 20 years.  Airline CEO salaries are in the millions.  What's left is used to lease the smallest/cheapest planes available and then the remain change from that, is my paycheck.  Welcome aboard." 

and...

1.) "You've only been sitting in an airport for the last 2 hours with 17 bathrooms around you.  Why oh why, must you ALL rush to use the tiny little bathroom we have on this plane?!?!?!"